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 Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread

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KAuto26
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:05 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:08 pm

I represent The Rent Is Too Damn High party. People workin' 8 hours a and day 40 hours a week and some a third job. Women can't afford to take care of their children, feed their children breakfast lunch and dinner. My main job is provide a roof over your head, food on the table and money in your pocket. This is politics as usual, playing the silly game, but its not gonna happen. The Rent Is Too Damn High movement, the people I'm here to represent can't afford to pay their rent. They're being laid off right now as i speak. They can't eat breakfast lunch or dinner. Listen! Someone's stomach child stomach just growled, did you hear it? Gotta listen like me. Let's talk about the issue! People can't afford to pay the rent are starving. Rent is too damn high.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:10 pm

Bleach is an anime series, with over two hundred episodes and counting, with a name that makes no sense. The only reason we have an article is that hordes of angry waps like to argue about the name and draw cartoons of the fourteen-year-old orange-haired girl with giant tits. It is the epitome of self-aggrandizing, mastubatory power-fantasy material, beating the epic Naruto due to the fact that 13 year olds would rather identify with an adolescent boy than some Awesome ninja. Bleach follows a simple but effective 'expanding fetish-focus' formula for luring in the asinine punters, to be found in an increasing amount of animu and mango. Want to make a shit ton of cash? Base the entire series around a sequence of non-fatal one-on-one fights and follow these rules:


1: THE PUPPET

Begin your shitty series with a protagonist utterly devoid of personality or interesting visual features in a comparitively interesting fantasy setting. He must be male, homophobic, NEVER brown, and between the ages of 13 and 18. Got a good idea for your guy? Fucking scrap it. Your protagonist must be a 'catch-all,' uninteresting enough to allow the average teenage dolt to place himself in his shoes. Don't let him talk too much or express insight: anything that you might deem interesting will alienate or intellectually challenge members of your solid fan base. Stock emotional responses and the blandest 'special power' ('energy blasts', for example) you can think of should ensure that gormless youths can imprint themselves onto your faceless puppet. Do not develop him and ensure his only motivation is 'protecting his friends' or 'being the strongest.' After all, who the fuck can't identify with that? Oh right, this is ED. Don't forget to make him immortal, like other animes do! Who wants to see someone die every chapter?
Leekspin.gif

2: THE SUPPORTING CAST

Introduce a supporting cast of stock characters. Each one consists of ONE stock archetype OR has ONE noticable personality trait or ability. As your fan-base grows it will begin to include individuals who find it difficult to identify with your protagonist. This could even include more intellectual types who demand character depth, but it probably just involves insipid 'anti-conformists' who react against the stock fan base. They now have a moderately more advanced character to fantasize about being - your fetish net has expanded. These supporting characters cannot develop and any change must be an absolutely predictable one so as to ensure that your fans are unsatisfied but not dissapointed. However, make sure they get into relationships, so Rule 34 is canon.

3: THE TERTIARY CAST

Feel free to repeat this step as many times as you can. Every time you do this your series' longevity is increased. These next set of characters can have TWO distinct features while conforming to stock character archetypes. The comparitive depth will allow for an even greater fanbase - now you are now bound to have a character for every teenager to fantasize over. Introduce these characters as villains, give each one an emotional death scene at the hands of the protagonist/ supporting cast and then, right when the fans are suckered in, resurrect them, reverse their motivations and have them join the supporting cast. From this point on do not advance them in anything but the most predictable way.
Fucking deep.

4: THE OMG SURPRISE TWIST

Now anyone of intellectual deficiency has at least one character they can pretend to be and the vast majority will have two or three. Now it's time to develop the protagonist in a way that will give the core fans, the dolts who were suckered in from the beginning, a screaming orgasm. Note that some will be alienated, but now you have around 50 shitty characters for them to re-align with so it doesn't matter. The 'twist' isn't actually a surprise at all, just give your character an ability that revolves around the following: darkness, evil, spikes, death, the color red, the color black. Feel free to give your protagonist his first facial expression, the kids will fucking love it.

5: THE FUCKING MULLET
File:Gaymullet.png
Get 'er done.

No joke, Bleach's shitbag of an author actually has a secret obsession to get nailed in the ass by a drunken redneck in the deep south. Specifically, by Larry the Cable Guy and Robert E. Lee at the same time. Bleach has developed a habit of making the strongest fucking characters have fucking mullets... obviously not trolling, but just for the lulz. Next thing you'll see, they'll be driving a pick-up truck with Ichigo having a wincest-pedo-threesome with his two kid sisters. Fucking great.

Congratulations, you anti-intellectual cunt, you have lowered the artistic expectations of an entire generation and have a house made out of paper-mache'd cash.

Feel free to read the rest of this article if you havn't got the gist of this yet, but I wouldn't bother if I were you. The only badass thing that happens is that Ichigo dies!

...Yeah it isn't that too interesting either, seeing how he godmods.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:12 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:15 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:17 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:17 pm

I wake up one morning.
Head to school, go to my 8th grade math class.
My favorite subject.
I'm the first kid there, wait for teacher to unlock the door.
The school doesn't have individual desks, instead we share a couple of long tables.
I sit in the back, don't know anyone, I just moved to the area.
The kids file in, no one sits next to me at my table.
Bell rings, I'm alone.
Girl walks in late, cutest girl I've ever seen.
Only empty seats left are at my table.
The seats are scattered around the table.
She picks the closest seat next to me.
I'm too nervous to look at her.
I'm staring down at my blank notebook.
20 seconds pass.
I feel a small kick underneath the table.
I look up at her.
Huge dark brown eyes stare back at me.
Almost perfect complexion, pink lips, cute nose.
she smiles at me.
My heart skips a beat.
We don't talk for the rest of the class until the bell rings.
She says "cya" and leaves.
The next math class she is late.
She sits next to me again.
Doesn't wait 20 seconds and kicks me right away.
I don't look up but say "hi".
We sit through the class again in silence until the bell rings.
She says "Cya" and leaves.
The first test is coming up.
I create a complex plan to help her cheat so I can impress her.
Test day comes.
I wait for her to look like she needs help.
She looks confident throughout the whole test, bell rings.
Next class, we receive our scores.
The only person who beat my score was her.
I was incredibly amazed as well as slightly jealous.
She notices my incredulous look and we begin talking.
Next few months we get close.
Guys start moving towards the back of the class, sitting closer to her.
I start to feel a little jealous.
I tried out for the football team to impress her with bravery
Accidentally tried too hard and qualified for team
Now committed to football team
She notices that I've changed, tells me I'm too brawny.


Feelsbadman
Go to coach, ask to quit team
He thinks I lack confidence
Give me pep talk
I walk away confused, still on team
Win first game
Praised by peers
First time she is ever early for math, sits on other side of class
I arrive late and don’t see where she is until mid-class
Bell rings, she leaves without glancing back
We don’t talk for the rest of the year
First two years of high school go by fast
Start meeting friends through football
Have less time for studying
Talk and act obnoxious during class
Grades steadily decline from 98%+ to C’s
Still keeping an eye on her
Qualify for state tournament
Board bus for 4-day trip to tournament
Everyone excited en route, hard to sit still
Arrive at tournament
Last game, my team and last year’s runner-up
Win.
Head back to bus
Coach has solemn look on face
Uncertain why
Enter bus
Team is ecstatic with tournament outcome
Won new football gear for school
Coach enters bus
Asks me to leave with him
News makes my heart stop momentarily
Enter bus
Friends don’t notice expression on coach’s or my face
Speak to coach, say I’d rather go back alone
Coach understands, says he will tell friends the news for me
Grab map and start walking to bus station, alone
Seeing everything, the time is going
Ticking on, everybody’s rushing
Gotta get down to the bus stop, gotta catch my bus
I see my friends
Sitting in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:21 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:22 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:24 pm

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
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shipping your ATM card is $520 but because DHL International Limited
have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to
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FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535

Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices
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CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this
office so we could act upon and commence investigation.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:25 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:25 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:27 pm

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:46 pm



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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 1:50 am

LOL KAuto
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:17 am

good lord, not even 24 hours and its gone way too far. i now leave you with Rebecca Black being denied of a seat by the one and only 50 cent.

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:29 am

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 5:05 am

Kauto:








emerson:

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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:53 am

Shit was SO CASH

Hey Faggots,

My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn Japanese people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my bitch

For moar on this particular copypasta, along with its many variations, see "So cash".

Why so racist?

I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful black man and it really pisses me off when I see you guys using the "N" word all the time.

Are y'all just jealous that brothas know how to please women in ways you weak little white boys never will? You need to stop hatin cause you know you'd never say any of this to black folks in real life.

I'm a girl gamer.

No I'm not fat. No I won't make you a sandwich. No I'm not ugly. No I don't go out with guy gamers, because they're usually socially retarded and ugly. Yes my boyfriend is a bit of a jock, so what? No I won't show you my tits, so don't fucking ask.

And finally.

Yes, we do fucking exist, so stop saying otherwise. And we enjoy games (SHOCK HORROR) just as much as men.


Hey guys, I am 14 years old, and I have boobs. One day I was asleep in my bed, than I wolk up to a very surprising treat, I had boobs. I felt very astonished. Why would the good lawrd jebus give poor old Zurela boobs? My first instinct was to call my boyfriend and tell him, so I did. I knew we would abuse my love for my "Chesticles" but I didn't mind. So later on in the day he came over, and he was astonished too. My mother had not yet noticed, but my father had to check for breast cancer, thankfully he did, he checked for 7 and a half hours and found nothing, he said he needs to check everyday because my mom had it once and he didn't want to loose me like he lost my mom, cause she died. Anyways so my Boyfriend came over and he checked too, apparently Breast cancer is a very serious disease, but I didn't tell him about dada because I know he just wanted to be sure because he loved me. So after about a hour or two of that we played WoW and we lvled up, he told me I gave him an "erevecton" you know, that thing when it forces you outta the house, but I just ignored the comment because I am not his landlord, I just think he was being silly. He went home, and dad told me the power of boobs, and he told be if I have to be under heavy surveillance in the shower because if I don't scrub my "boobs' enough a demon will come out and kill us all. This is how mom died, so he says. So I washed this thoroughly and he made sure they are clean Enough. I really love how my boobs made everyone care about me more, and ladies I had no idea the upkeep of these things, so if there is any more tips I need, please tell me!

Thanks for Reading

What has happened here. I came here since I just got banned from 4chan. For raiding the imageboards themselves. They even enjoyed it. I was banned forever. Appeal failed. My browser never knew the name of other chans before...since now. Now I know pure origins. Now I know that the forbidden fruit of other chans is the best. Now I know /desu/. I know /cake/. I know where my secret fetishes are hidden. I say that the very fruit 4chan is hiding from it's members is a appeal to destroy them. Again. From the inside. Or shall we...? The world will never know...

[New post starts here, after it gets some momentum] >>[Original post] OP here. WHAT THE FUCK. All I can say is, go on. I know it's the story of everyone who's on 7chan.

A few years back, when I was living in Puerto Rico, I had to take care of my uncle's dog for a while. He was a big Golden Retriever and his name was Sasu. After about 3 days, I was extremely turned on and without a boyfriend, so this dog in my pussy seemed like a pretty good idea. One day, I decided to go for a walk and take the dog with me. I was conveniently wearing a skirt and once we reached a pretty secluded street, I pulled up my skirt and got on all fours. At first the dog just sniffed my butt around but once he got the idea, he got on top of me and started humping my butt through my panties. He kept banging against my clit and my juices were flowing to pretty much everywhere. I didn't let him inside me yet because I was too afraid. I mean, think about it. That's pretty fucking gross. But anyways. Whenever I got back home, I sat on the front porch. My uncle had come back and was ready to pick up the dog but he was inside talking to my sister. My uncle told me to stay outside with Sasu for a while, so I did. While we were out there, I was sitting on a bench with my legs spread open and Sasu kept trying to stick his nose in my crotch. Usually, I'd push his face away and close my legs, but I was extremely wet and was dripping everywhere. So I let Sasu lick it up. Since I had never been eaten out before, I really didn't know that what I was doing was sexual in the least, but I realized that it felt really good and was only making me wetter. Even after I came Sasu was still licking it all up and the front of my skirt was soaked in a combination of my pussy juice and Sasu's saliva. Once I had to go back inside, I just twisted my skirt to the side and went to my room to change.

That's my pretty embarrassing and sick story. Also not copypasta, I assure you. Also inb4 TITS OR GTFO, no girls on the internets, pics or it didn't happen, etc. Also, pic unrelated.


I have to tell this to someone, I just can't take it anymore. well, okay. here goes. this is not copypasta, it's for real. Well, there's this really, REALLY beautiful loli in my school. I'm 17 and she is in 5th grade, so she's 11. Her name is Stella. Well, I've dreamed about having sex with her numerous times, but one evening changed it all... Our moms know each other so I was supposed to babysit her cause her mom had to work late one night. So I go over to her house and we start watching TV. Well, its 9.30 pm already and I tell her to go to sleep. She answers 'I don't want to, I wanna stay and watch cartoons with you.' I thought about it and I said 'okay, but only until 10pm and don't tell your mom' she was happy and said okay. We watched cartoons a little and she asked if she could rest her head in my lap. I was like uh, okay. Well she puts her head in my lap, rubs her head around accidentally cause she was looking for a comfortable position and I feel to get this raging boner. I couldn't hold it back so I quickly suggested that maybe she'd want a pillow under her head and that my legs are starting to hurt. She said 'okay' and I put the pillow under her head. I was so relieved. Well, the clock hits 10pm and I order her to sleep, she stands up and takes the pillow from my legs and she sees my boner, I tried to hide it as quick as I could, but I was wearing trainers so it stood out pretty clearly. She asked 'whats that?' and I didn't know what to say.. after about 5 seconds of quick thinking I for some reason said 'It's a boner', I instantly regretted it. She now asked me if she could see it. I was so freaking nervous, finally i decided to use the chance and had my pants off faster than you could say Candlejack. Stella asked if she cou...

Oh what the fuck??? SICK FUCKS WHO READS IT AND GET HARD!!

Billy: Hey dad, whats an operating system supposed to do?

Dad: Well Billy, an operating system is supposed to provide an environment where many different kinds of software can run well.

Billy: But Linux, OSX, and Windows 7 do that well! How do I decide?

Dad: Well Billy, you have to now assess what kind of software you're going to be using. Which OS looks the most appropriate now?

Billy: Well, OSX is good for graphic design, but nearly all of its programs also run on Windows 7 or have comparable software also for Windows 7. Linux has a lot of great software, but just can't really compete really with the huge libraries of software for Macs and Windows.

But in terms of number of software available, Windows 7 seems to have the most. It also runs new and upcoming games, and also runs classic PC games while XP is left in the dust without DX10.

Dad: There you have it son, Windows 7, which is an operating system, runs FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!!

SO STOP BITCHING UNTIL THE OTHER OPERATING SYSTEMS CAN COMPETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--

Note from archiver: It causes great OS wars. Use with caution. May cause massive lulz, combined with mass b4's.


What has happened to /b/. Even half a year ago things were different. Things were constantly changing. If you didn't go on /b/ for a couple of days, you would miss out on something. There would be something new you didn't understand. There were truly epic threads.

Now, you could be gone a week and it would be the same. There's some "you laugh, you lose" threads which have the same old shit. There's some motivational poster threads which have the same old shit. And there's camwhores who claim they will deliver (but don't) if we count to 10. And we can't even prove that they won't because of people bitching about them.

There are shit copypastas all over the board. "Shit was so cash" and all the rest. There is no original content anywhere. For all you know, this post that I'm typing right now could be a copypasta in a few days.

>tl;dr: /b/ has stopped changing.


If offended by this message - THIS THOUGHTCRIME.

REPORT.

If not offended by this message - THIS TERRORISTCRIME. (You destroy glorious state, otherwise)

REPORT.

If want to fuck sister while reading this message - THIS NOTCRIME.

THIS INCESTNIGGERTITSPIDERCRIME.

REPORT.

We spider-incest experts. We watch you. You know. You like that. Is good to be watched. Is make special. You like that. Is get. MOOT loves you big. Like Brother. Trust.

If agree with post - THIS ACCEPTANCECRIME.

REPORT
[edit] Math Bel-air

Once upon a time, (1/T) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling through a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on.

Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was insufficient and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, 3 branches of a hyperbola touched het at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more, she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipated terms, that he was up to no good.

"Eureka," she gasped. "Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you are bubbling over with secs." "Oh, sir," she protested. "Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary." "I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's homogeneous then." "What order are you?" the brute demanded. "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he asked. "Of course not!" Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutelyconvergent." "Come, come," said Curly, "let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit." "Never," gasped Polly. "Exchlf," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.

His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a counter integration. What an indignity to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal. When Polly got home that night, her mother became frightened and stated "You're traveling in a forward direction to your auntie + uncle unit in the graph of Bel Air". I whistled for a cab and when it approached, the license plane said "New" and there were dotted cubes in the reflector, if anything I could state that this cab had a lesser chance than the rest but I thought disregard that fact, if you could operator, follow the lines that lead to Bel Air! I approached the compilation of three dimensional objects about 7/12 or 2/3 and I yelled to the operator attention, smell you some other time on this planar area! Looked at my Math house, My graph had finally reached a closed point, to finalize on my algorithmically correct point as the prince of the graph known as Bel Air.
[edit] I am the cancer that is killing /b/

I am proud to say i am the cancer that is killing /b/. /b/ is the cancer that is killing the internet. The internet is the cancer that is killing western civilization. western civilization is the cancer that is killing humanity. humanity is the cancer that is killing the earth. Why am i proud to say that i am the cancer of the cancer of the cancer of the cancer? because i have cancer and it's killing me.
[edit] Open the door get on the floor

guys, you'll never believe what just happened no less than 15 minutes ago. so my sister and her boyfriend came home while i was watching TV and they went into the kitchen to get some drinks. while in the kitchen they were doing their whole lovey dovey thing and kissing and playing grab-ass and what not, and it was unappealing to me, so i went up to my room. a few minutes later, i heard them enter into my sister's room and then some rustling occurred. i thought nothing of it, they were probably just making out again on her bed. then i heard her scream and i got worried so i ran over to her room, and opened the door, got on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur! open to door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur! BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM!
[edit] Lolis in a box

OK, /b/, here's what happened. I was sitting around the house yesterday, minding my own business, when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a cute little loli (maybe7-8yo)! She's dressed in this hot short skirt, and some kind of military fetish outfit, called herself a "girl scout", or something like that. Another word for hooker, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, after some haggling, I got something you aren't gonna BELIEVE! She was selling BOXED LOLIS! That's right! Every box had pictures of some of the most rapeable cake you've ever laid eyes on. Some boxes had 5or6 on the cover! Well, hell if I'm gonna pass up an opportunity like this! So I dumped $400, the whole damn supply. Then I slammed the door in her face, stripped, covered my self in cooking oil and ripped those suckers open in a sex-crazed frenzy. What the fuck do I find scattered all over my floor? Helpless lolis screaming for mercy? Children huddling in corners trying futilely to escape my embrace? FUCK NO! A bunch of goddamn COOKIES! I grab my bat, ran outside flinging oil and profanity in every direction, only to find the little cunt making her escape in an unmarked minivan. But she'll get hers. I've heard this story time and time again, by other poor souls who've been taken advantage of by these evil bitches. And... I've found the location of their secret base. Girl Scouts of the USA 420 Fifth Avenue New York, New York 10018-2798 (800) 478-7248. I've got a machete, 3 bottles of vegetable oil, and a raging, throbbing, rock hard sense of burning justice. Are you with me /b/? Help avenge your /b/rothers shattered hopes and dreams! ALL PERSONNEL, REPORT IN! ETA on target @ 23:59:59 tonight!
[edit] /b/tard in a GameStop

Sup' /b/. This is the story of what happened to me a week ago. As always, I called my local GameStop to get Battletoads...but guess what, here's the trick: They actually HAD Battletoads! And my life plan was ruined, but I ordered all of them they had in stock and said I'll come and pay with a credit card (Which I actually "found" somewhere). So I come there, a fat guy sitting on a chair as a clerk. So I say "I called a few minutes ago about Battletoads." He responds "So it was you?" "Yes, that was me", I say, then he stands up, walks to me and hits me in the face, after that he says "Go back to failchan." I stay there shocked, I found a /b/tard who works at GameStop, people. This is my first discovery like that ever. After I knock out of it, I scream "SO I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPZ", to check if that's true...as he was sitting on his chair again, he responded "NO YOU", so I asked him if he seriously has Battletoads in stock, he had some. So I bought it. And so, I was going home with my brand-new Battletoads, then my momma got scared and said "You're movin' with your auntie to Bel-Air".I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo homies smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
[edit] Most Erotic Story Ever

Once upon a time, when the general rules of human physiology and logic were too drunk to do their jobs, a girl named Mandy woke up in her bed. Mandy was a beautiful girl who had beautiful hair and beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile that was very beautiful. She was also very small for her age, which people thought was cute even though her small size was probably caused by some horrific, incurable disease. She was also a girl, which meant she had BIG HONKING BOOBS and a VAGINA!!!!1 Every day when she woke up she would put on a top hat and dance and dance and dance, because she was named Mandy and that's what Mandies do. Today was different, though because she realized that sometime during the night before, SHE'D WET THE BED!

"OH NO! I HAVE WET THE BED!" Screamed Mandy. Suddenly, the door exploded and Mandy's mommy walked in with a rocket launcher.

"AH HA! My parental radar was correct! You've been a bad, naughty, SEXY little girl, Mandy! Now, bend over so I can SPANK YOU!" She said. She then took Mandy by the wrist and spanked her hard on the ass.

"If you decide to act like a baby, you'll BE A BABY! You're going to wear DIAPERS little Ms. PeePee McPeePee!"

"OH NO!" Mandy exclaimed. She cried because diapers were embarrassing and bad for the environment. Mandy's Mommy then put her into her diapers and rubbed babypowder into her VAGINA, a process described in plodding, unreasonably precise detail.

"Now that you are wearing diapers, it's time for your BA BA!" Mandy's mommy then took a bottle and aimed the nipple for her daughter's mouth, but somehow missed and shoved it up her ass.

"Why are you doing this?" Mandy cried, tears welling in her eyes. "Because I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!" Screamed Mandy's Mommy maniacally. A knock then echoed from the door, and LO! There was Cindy, one of Mandy's classmates who was also a girl with BIG HONKING BOOBS (Vagina status unknown)!!!1

"Oh, what a surprise! It is Cindy! Mandy's babysitter!" Mandy then gasped, because this was a shocking plot development. "But how could you have hired a baby sitter if you'd only started babying me just this morning?" Mandy queried.

"Oh, that's simple! I just AAAAAAAAAAUGH!" That was the last thing Mandy's Mommy said, because she was thereafter carried out through the window by millions of baby Pterodactyls.

"Hello Mandy, I'm your babysitter!" Cindy said. "Hi, I'm Mandy." There was an awkward silence, and then a loud "BOOM" as Mandy's diaper exploded with shit.

"Looks like someone needs a diaper change!" Cindy, giggled. Mandy giggled too, and then they both had sex. While they were there on the Kitchen table, naked, nude, and otherwise unclothed, Mandy said "You know what? I think I like diapers and being a baby. From now on, I think I'll wear them forever and ever and ev- WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

And then the world exploded. The End.
[edit] Femanon Tips

HEY GIRLS OF /b/

i came here by my bf's request to let ya all know the secret of making your man truly happy here's a few tips you could use:

1 - gtfo the internets and go back to the kitchen

2 - make ur man sammich

3 - give ur man massage while he's posting on /b/

4 - sex ur man up

5 - make him moar sammich

6 - stfu while doin all this

pic related; it's me makin sammich
[edit] A percent of Muslims

It will be interesting to have opinions about this..

When Muslim population remains around 1% of any given country they will be regarded as a peace-loving minority and not as a threat to anyone: United States -- Muslim 1.0% Australia -- Muslim 1.5% Canada -- Muslim 1.9% China -- Muslim 1%-2% Italy -- Muslim 1.5% Norway -- Muslim 1.8%

At 2% and 3% they begin to proselytize from other ethnic minorities and disaffected groups with major recruiting from the jails and among street gangs: Denmark -- Muslim 2% Germany -- Muslim 3.7% United Kingdom -- Muslim 2.7% Spain -- Muslim 4% Thailand -- Muslim 4.6%

From 5% on they exercise an inordinate influence in proportion to their percentage of the population.They will push for the introduction of halal (clean by Islamic standards) food, thereby securing food preparation jobs for Muslims. They will increase pressure on supermarket chains to feature it on their shelves -- along with threats for failure to comply. At this point, they will work to get the ruling government to allow them to rule themselves under Sharia, the Islamic Law. France -- Muslim 8% Philippines -- Muslim 5% Sweden -- Muslim 5% Switzerland -- Muslim 4.3% The Netherlands -- Muslim 5.5% Trinidad & Tobago -- Muslim 5.8%

When Muslims reach 10% of the population, they will increase lawlessness as a means of complaint about their conditions (Paris -- car-burnings) . Any non-Muslim action that offends Islam will result in uprisings and threats (Amsterdam - Mohammad cartoons). Guyana -- Muslim 10% India -- Muslim 13.4% Israel -- Muslim 16% Kenya -- Muslim 10% Russia -- Muslim 10-15%

After reaching 20% expect hair-trigger rioting, jihad militia formations, sporadic killings and church and synagogue burning: Ethiopia -- Muslim 32.8%

At 40% you will find widespread massacres, chronic terror attacks and ongoing militia warfare: Bosnia -- Muslim 40% Chad -- Muslim 53.1% Lebanon -- Muslim 59.7%

From 60% you may expect unfettered persecution of non-believers and other religions, sporadic ethnic cleansing (genocide), use of Sharia Law as a weapon and Jizya, the tax placed on infidels: Albania -- Muslim 70% Malaysia -- Muslim 60.4% Qatar -- Muslim 77.5% Sudan -- Muslim 70%

After 80% expect State run ethnic cleansing and genocide: Bangladesh -- Muslim 83% Egypt -- Muslim 90% Gaza -- Muslim 98.7% Iran -- Muslim 98% Iraq -- Muslim 97% Jordan -- Muslim 92% Morocco -- Muslim 98.7% Pakistan -- Muslim 97% Palestine -- Muslim 99% Syria -- Muslim 90% Tajikistan -- Muslim 90% Turkey -- Muslim 99.8% 100% will usher in the peace of "Dar-es-Salaam" -- the Islamic House of Peace -- there's supposed to be peace because everybody is a Muslim: Afghanistan -- Muslim 100% Saudi Arabia -- Muslim 100% Somalia -- Muslim 100% Yemen -- Muslim 99.9%
[edit] A percent of Jews

hen Jewish population remains under 5,000 of any given country they will be regarded as a peace-loving minority and not as a threat to anyone: Estonia -- 1,800 Jews Bulgaria -- 2,300 Jews Costa Rica -- 2,400 Jews Peru -- 2,800 Jews Slovakia -- 3,000 Jews Kazakhstan -- 4,100 Jews

At 5,000 to 10,000 they begin to separate from other ethnic minorities and disaffected groups: Morocco -- 5,200 Jews Greece -- 5,300 Jews Denmark -- 7,000 Jews Austria -- 8,100 Jews Latvia -- OVER 9000 JEWS

From 10,000 on they exercise an inordinate influence in proportion to their percentage of the population.They will push for the introduction of kosher (clean by Jewish standards) food, thereby securing food preparation jobs for Jews. They will increase pressure on supermarket chains to feature it on their shelves - along with threats for failure to comply. At this point, they will work to get the ruling government to allow them to rule themselves under Pentateuch, the Hebrew Law. Panama -- 10,000 Jews Switzerland -- 14,000 Jews Turkey -- 17,000 Jews Poland -- 25,000 Jews Italy -- 30,000 Jews

When Jews reach over 50,000 of the population, they will bail out funds managers as a means of complaint about their conditions (Ben Bernanke -- Fed chairman) . Any non-Jewish action that offends Judaism will result in stock fluctuations and foreclosures (United States -- Housing market). Belgium -- 51,000 Jews Mexico -- 53,000 Jews Belarus -- 72,000 Jews

After reaching 100,000 expect hair-trigger market crashes, Neo-Nazi group formations, sporadic killings and synagogue burning: Australia -- 120,000 Jews Ukraine -- 142,000 Jews

At 200,000 you will find widespread hatred of Jews, chronic terror attacks and ongoing anti-Jew warfare: Germany -- 220,000 Jews Argentina -- 250,000 Jews United Kingdom -- 350,000 Jews Canada -- 390,000 Jews

From 500,000 you may expect unfettered persecution by non-believers and other religions, sporadic establishments of Holocaust museums, use of Pentateuch as a weapon and loan interest, the tax placed on Gentiles: France -- 600,000 Jews Russia -- 800,000 Jews

3,000,000+ will usher in the establishment of a permanent Jewish state-- Hollywood-- where there's supposed to be peace because everybody is a Jew: Israel -- 5,600,000 Jews United States -- 6,150,000 Jews

Note from archiver: The first pasta is accurate, as of 29.03.2008, the second one is just a remake of it.
[edit] 4chan unban appeal

Dear /b/, was I naïve to think this would unban me on NIGGERTITS? pic unrelated Good day modders / owners of 4chan.com,

Firstly, let me tell you that my ban, in principle, was just and that I wasn't using Tor at the moment it was filed, neither do I posses a dynamic IP.

The reason I was banned was for posting child pornography, of which I was pretty much unaware. It happened a few days ago, at March 8th 2008 to be exact.

I will try to simulate what I said as good as I can, for I cannot memorize exactly what I typed. It all originated by a conversation on Xfire: I got a link in Xfire from a friend of mine named "Max" (Note: this is not his actual Xfire username.) To a video on YouTube, depicting children from, I think the age of either 12-15 (I cannot confirm this, throughout the entire video there was a vagina for about a minute or two, no faces - just voices.) First I thought this video must have been fake, for it was YouTube after all - as far as I know there are no pornographic videos on this site, and it would be strictly forbidden to post them.

Without any further consideration I went to 4chan, the /b/ board to be exact and there I made a new topic, stating ; CPTUBE DELIVERS! with a Pedobear image, in which Pedobear gasped with eyes wide open. and underneath the link towards the video on YouTube. This was probably already the point of no return.

The fact is that I was pretty much unaware about the fact that light child pornography (although I thought this was fake after all, I am not in the possession of anything related to child pornography - nor did I have the intent to post anything of the likes) was entirely forbidden on this site - as far as I know and heard 4chan has no rules at all, but it seems that I was wrong. I have been visiting 4chan for about a week or two, and in these past weeks I came across a variety of topics posting children with somewhat funny notes like "But I poop from there!", accompanied by a lot of Pedobear images - I thought this was rather hilarious.

As this was YouTube I considered the video to be harmless - the video came from YouTube, a popular, respected streaming site containing many videos, but none of them circulating around pornography or anything in those lines because this is forbidden. Neither am I a person to enjoy anything in line with child pornography. I am a healthy heterosexual who has no interests in this. I only posted for amusement of others (at which I probably failed, sadly - and also resulting in a most fearsome permanent ban.) After I posted the video, yes after - I asked my friend Max, where he got the video from - he linked me to another post on 4chan, and he also explained me that this wasn't fake, and I realized at that point that I was very stupid to believe it was. I'm pretty new to 4chan, I absolutely love the /b/ board, and as there are no rules at all I thought I could post just about anything I wanted to - but it seems that I crossed the line - and let me apologize for being inconsiderate, I acted hastily. I would be very disappointed if this ban will not be lifted. In the future, if you are so kind to lift the ban that is, I will abide by the rules and make sure I think before I post, also it will be easy to track me down if I do not keep my own promise - I have a static IP address, so banning me again permanently will be incredibly easy.

I hope I did not take too much of your time, and let me apologize again for my stupidity. 4chan is a great website. I put a lot of effort in my plea, and I hope it has been enough to make you change your mind, if it necessary Max can confirm the content of this story. I give you my regards, Anonymous

(PS: If I made any spelling mistakes, I'm sorry I could not root those out, English is not my first language after all.)
[edit] Longshot Sex

Ever since I got the kinky idea to jam my Longshot up my girlfriend's pussy, she won't have my cock anymore. Sometimes I come home from work and I hear her moaning upstairs. She tries to hide it, she even pretended to be having an affair to throw me off the track, and justify her not wanting to have sex with me. But I know that she's been fucking that Longshot every day while I'm not there. It smells like her pussy whenever I use it, too. Sometimes while I'm out nerfing with my buddies, and I'm camped out in a sniper position, I get the urge to lick her dried pussy juices off my Longshot. One time I actually spent the entire game hidden in the bushes licking my Longshot all over. In some sick way my Longshot has become the sexual link between my girlfriend and I.
[edit] AMtology Rant

Why do we oppose the Co$? What are we fighting for? When I ask that question of Anonymous, as expected I receive hundreds of answers. Some of you do it for great justice. Some of you do it for the lulz. Some of you don't even know why you do it. But I know why I do it. Would you like to know why, Anonymous?

I want to destroy the Co$ because I'm pissed off that I didn't come up with it first.

A morally bankrupt corporation masquerading as a wacky cult to hide behind the law, bilking its members out of billions of tax-free dollars, ruthlessly silencing any and all critics in the name of a hack sci-fi writer... it's the single greatest idea in the history of the universe, and the only reason I haven't done it is because L. Ron Hubbard was born before I was.

I'm a sleazy bastard who writes crappy science fiction and manipulates everyone around me. A good half of what people believe about me is total bullshit, and I know enough about mind control techniques to start my own fucking harem. I could have done the same thing Hubbard did, and I'd have done it better because I'm relatively sane. But I never got the chance, because he screwed up so badly that nobody will ever be able to do something that awesome again. I could have been a fucking GOD—but thanks to that pitiful speck of a con man, I lost my chance before I was even born.

And my ego has made it clear that somebody has to suffer for that.

My motives are obviously far from pure, but do not think that my resolve is the weaker for it. I may not have the righteous faggotry or burning desire for lulz that drives the rest of Anonymous--but hate is just as powerful a force. And my hate is bottomless. I hate them with every iota of my being. Every movement of this ruined, shuddering hulk I call a body, every ragged, wheezing breath I take, is a voiceless shriek of inarticulate rage at the people who stole my destiny.

I HATE L. Ron Hubbard. I HATE David Miscavige. I HATE every single founding member of the Church of $cientology, because they took what should have been mine - and for that crime, they will fucking PAY. And the handful who are still alive will suffer all the more because the rest had the gall to die before I could get to them. I will not be satisfied every last trace of their wretched enterprise is GROUND INTO THE FUCKING MUD.

So do your stuff, Anonymous. Get your laughs, do the right thing, whatever gets you off. Just give me my revenge, dammit.
[edit] Tea

Hey /b/,

I'd just like to tell you something I learned in my health class today. All you tea drinkers out there, who think they are getting great health benefits are idiots. You are drinking leaves, how is that healthy? Your just drinking chlorophyll!

90% of the people who drink tea on this site are just fucking WEEABOOS. You drink tea just because the JAPS do it. Well, the JAPS have you conned. The other 10% are just britfags, and you are excused, because you are naturally fucking morons. Tea is just a LEAF! Japs aren't smart. You see how shitty their Yen is? You think that someone, who can't even keep a good economy, has the intelligence to know how good tea is? Bullshit.

Enjoy your diluted organic particles and chlorophyll, you've all been conned by the crafty, yet idiot NIPS.
[edit] Better Than You
See the superiority?
Hey, /b/tards!

I don’t know what’s wrong with you guys, seriously! You all bawwww about not having girlfriends, lives or any other shit. But here’s the truth:

-I have a girlfriend; she’s really hot. And I mean REALLY.

-I play keyboard. None of your shitty emo music, no. I play stuff people enjoy SOCIALLY.

-I have TONNES of friends, male and female. I’m funny, smart, and friendly.

-I get good grades. I’m going to get rich, while you faggots sit in your basements.

The best bit? I spend about 4 hours a day on here, and have done for about a year. I’m one of you, but not. I’m everything you want to be, but aren’t.

Pic is me. I got rid of my face, because I don’t want you freaks fapping to me.
[edit] My autistic girlfriend

Sup /b/

so there's this rather tasty girl at my college, sadly she has autism, she's not really high on the spectrum, she's just a bit odd and slow maybe.

but yeh she really likes me because I quite often help her with course work.

so anyway we had a rather late valentines day do last week (hall was closed so we had to find and book a venue) and she turned up looking really smart, but you could easily see her curves, she looked absolutely stunning.

well she came and spoke to me and i got her a few drinks, she was really funny actually, by the time I'd had a few i couldn't even remember or notice she had autism.

well it got to like 1am and we left, rather drunk, and she asked to stay at mine, I thought It wouldn't do any harm I wouldn't do anything.so we got a taxi to mine.

we got in, took our jackets and shoes off, and collapsed on the couch, we were lying right next to each other, she spun round and rested her hand on my chest, and started stroking it.

I didn't know what to do! 5 seconds later I decided to go for it.

I ran my hands down her side, across her stomach and down her panties. It was wet and felt amazing. she was so tight I even had to start with my pinky.

I slowly stroked her clit then pushed my finger deep inside (inside) What kind of Pokemon are you? Are you loyal through and through? Do you have a heart that's true? What kind of Pokemon are you?

Take your NORMAL type like Jigglypuff Against the GHOSTLY Gengar the battle's real tough Thunderbolt's a great ELECTRIC attack 'Til you get GROUND down by a Marowak
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KAuto26
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Number of posts : 245
Registration date : 2011-06-10

PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:32 am

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGANTUAN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR BELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULINARY EXERCISE, I MEANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VITAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACKSIDE OF A WOMAN WHICH I WOULD STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY ENORMOUS PHALLUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A STARVED DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SIGHT THAT AWAITED BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN'S" RAISIN-SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT AND PENETRATED HIS ESOPHAGUS, RIPPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPSE FROM MY MONEYMAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LESSON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHOM'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD), WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECAUSE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 767 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERRORIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY LAST DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. SUDDENLY, HE CRIED OUT, "WHAT'S THAT AMAZING SMELL?" THEN A GROSSLY OBESE NEGRO POPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE BURNING, TWISTED WRECKAGE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTERS AND QUIPPED, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINE-SOL!" DISPLEASED AT HER INTERRUPTION OF MY DEVASTATING SODOMY CONQUEST, YET SIMULTANEOUSLY ODDLY AROUSED BY A SUB-HUMANS DEFIANCE IN THE FACE OF MY TITANIC MEAT MONOLITH, I GRABBED THE NEGRESS BY HER ARMS AND INSERTED MY BATTLE CRUISER OF PASSION INTO THE ROILING WAVES OF FAT WHICH OBSCURED HER VAGINAL CLEFT. SHE SCREAMED INDECHIPHERABLY IN EBONICS, SO TO SHUT HER UP I POURED ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE PINE-SOL BOTTLE DOWN HER THROAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THE CHEMICALS IN THE LIQUID COMBINED WITH MY UNEARTHLY SUPER-SEMEN TO FORM A HIGHLY UNSTABLE AND EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE OF PURE POWER. JUST BEFORE THE FAT NEGRESS BLEW APART AS A RESULT OF THE INCREDIBLE CHEMICAL REACTION, MY MOTHER GOT SCARED AND SAID, "YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR." I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR, THE LICENSE PLATE SAID 'FRESH' AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR. IF ANYTHING I COULD SAY THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE, BUT I THOUGHT, 'NAH, FORGET IT, YOU HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!" I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY, YO HOLMES, SMELL YA LATER!" I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM, I WAS FINALLY THERE, TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR. ONCE I ENTERED MY NEW, PALATIAL ABODE (ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, WORTHY OF MY INCALCULABLY HUGE MEAT MISSILE) I IMMEDIATELY SWEPT MY NEW FOSTER PARENTS ASIDE AND HEADED FOR THE ROOM OF THEIR YOUNG NIECE. YOU SEE, I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL'S BARE CHEST. "HOW?" YOU ASK. WELL APPARENTLY THERE ARE A SELECT FEW CONTEXTS WITHIN WHICH SUCH AN ACTION IS ACCEPTABLE. FOR INSTANCE, IF YOUR NIECE HAS A HACKING COUGH AND YOUR SISTER ASKS YOU TO "PUT SOME OF THIS ON HER" WHILE SHE CALLS THE DOCTOR.

"PUTTING SOME OF THIS ON HEAR" MEANT USING MY BARE HANDS TO RUB THIS VAPOR OINTMENT SHIT ALL OVER HER BARE NAKED CHEST. MY HEARTBEAT IS STILL ALL ERRATIC FROM IT. I HAD A BONER THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN THE ENTIRE TIME. SHE'S SLEEPING NOW AND I GUESS SHE FEELS BETTER BECAUSE SHE STOPPED COUGHING.

DETAILS: SHE'S ABOUT 5 FEET TALL, HAS LONG BROWN HAIR, A CUTE FACE, A THIN WAIST AND LONG SKINNY LEGS. SHE'S IN JAMMIES I THINK BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I'M PRETTY SHAKEN UP RIGHT NOW I KNOW I UNBUTTONED SOMETHING BEFORE I WENT AT IT.

GOD I FEEL SO GREAT. I JUST RUBBED MY HANDS LAL OVER HER FUCKING TITS, YOU GUYS. WELL THE PUFFY PARTS OF HER CHEST ANYWAY. HER NIPPLES GOT HARD. I JUST ABOUT WEPT TEARS OF JOY. OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE WHICH CAN BRING ME TO SUCH A STATE, AND COMBINED WITH MY INCREDIBLE STATE OF AROUSAL, I WAS UNABLE TO HOLD BACK THE STORM BREWING IN MY COLOSSAL PUDDING BLASTER. MY STEAMING-HOT SILVER LAVA BLASTED OUT FURIOUSLY, INSTANTLY KILLING MY UNFORTUNATE YOUNG COUSIN AND REDUCING MY NEW HOME TO BLASTED BITS AND PIECES OF WOODEN DETRITUS. I GUARANTEE IT.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:41 am

Threads on /a/ about the UBW installer came and went, and with them months passed. But now the day was finally here; the installer was complete and would be released in a matter of minutes. As my download was running I kept thinking about how it'll turn up to be a simple, trivial piece of software and I would be joining the shitstorms flaming Message on /a/ soon enough. But I had no idea then...the download finished, the installer ran. But instead of what I expected, the screen went black for a moment, with the text "Thank you for downloading our program; UBW installation will soon be underway." flashing on it. Then the application closed and refused to do anything on further executions. I figured this was an elaborate prank, and as I thought, nobody on /a/ was the wiser.

This way, a few hour passed, with no response on Mirror Moon's part. And when I was about to give up and watch some random anime, I heard a knock on my door. Strange, I had no friends nor family and I didn't see who could be here at that hour; nonetheless I opened the door albeit cautiously. What stood there defied logic. A face and body that were all so familiar from manga and anime, yet should not exist in real life. But she was no doll, no costume. Everything from her eyes to her skin were visibly real, soft human tissue. I was speechless. My mind refused to work. I stood there, stunned for what seemed to be an eternity. She was the one to break silence. "Sorry for making you wait, I'm the UBW installer. Mind if I come in now?"

What could I answer? What could anyone think or speak in such a situation. I stepped back, still in shock, letting her pass through the doorway and into the hall. A sweet, pleasant scent of perfume slowly invaded my house, as she made her way into my room. By then, my mind had cleared up a bit, as much as it could. With unsteady words, I asked: "S...so y..you're h..here to in...install UBW?"

'You could put it that way, I guess...', she replied while looking around my room with a slightly bored gaze. 'W...well the c..computer's over there, uh...' 'Ah, I saw that. But it won't be necessary. That's not quite how it works.' 'Eh?' 'You see, the installation will be a bit more... personal.' She had an eerie smile on her face while saying this. And with that, she slowly began taking off shirt, gradually exposing more and more of her soft, white skin. 'W... wait, what are you doing?' I panicked, and looked away with shock and embarrassment. 'Getting ready to install. It's what I'm here for, isn't it?' 'H...uh...err...?'

She sighed. ' I've been warned you'd act this way; you 4channers are all so predictable. You act tough in your little imageboard, talking of everything from rape to child porn. You complain about being lonely all the time. Yet when things get real, at heart you're all whimpering nerds, afraid to leave the fantasy shell they've built on the Internet. But it can't be helped huh... it was to be expected that your kind will be the one interested in UBW to begin with. I was prepared for this much... but I really had hoped that it wouldn't be this troublesome after all...'

She sighed again, ending her monologue. My brain registered less than half those words and made sense of even less. I had backed up into a corner of my room not knowing if I should run or demand that she explains herself; it was a lot more likely that I'd faint on the spot rather than follow up on any of those choices anyway. She had stopped undressing while saying that, and now her face shone with a warm smile. 'I guess I was too blunt to begin with. You did wait for me for a very long time, didn't you? So it would be pointless to hurry now instead of doing things properly. I'll do my best to make it comfortable for you, ok?' And with that she smiled again, and moved to sit on my bed. 'Take your time and get back to your senses; I guess this was more of a shock than you could handle after all.' She looked down, taking her gaze off me, which made me feel slightly better. I regained my balance and slowly started making sense of things. 'If you feel better, please sit next to me for a bit.' she said, pointing at my bed, near herself.

I did as she said, sitting down, albeit keeping a slight distance. 'There's no need to be that shy, you know...'; she had obviously picked up on my reluctance to relinquish my comfort zone. 'You spend half your day fapping to hentai anyway', she said with a playful tone, 'so you should know how this works. It's no different from what you experienced on a daily basis, except it'll be real this time.'

With that, I started getting visibly uncomfortable again. My heart was racing with a mix of emotions I couldn't sort apart. I probably looked like I would jump up and run out at any moment.

'Hey...don't do that now...you'd waste your only chance of turning your little fantasy world into reality. Isn't this what you wanted all along? It's understandable. You've been lonely for a long, long time; you're in no way used to this, hence all your uneasiness. But if you run away now, you'll regret it forever. You'll go back to being lonely, but worse than that, you'll remember you could have changed that with hardly any effort, but failed to do as little as that. Is that the kind of life you want to go on with?' Her tone was even kinder than before. Her voice was soft, warm, making me feel at ease. And above that, I was finally noticing what she was. The living incarnation of an idealization I had only experienced in a 2 dimensional context, untouchable and unreal. At that point, any thoughts of escape that I previously had vanished in an instant. She resumed undressing, with slow, elegant moves. The stripped away clothes revealed only flawlessly white skin, a slender body without imperfection. Small breasts, yet perfect in shape and texture. Well balanced legs, not overly fat or muscular in any way. And above all, the 9 inch penis pointing out from her lower abdomen, erect in anticipation.

'Wait, what?' 'That...That's...That's not right!' 'That can't be right...what...what's with that?'

I could only babble incomprehensible gibberish. 'Hey now, didn't I say it would be JUST like in a hentai? Are you surprised?'. She laughed. But not with the previous warmth and kindness. The laughter this time was more befitting of a hellspawned demon.

If my previous reaction was overwhelming shock, this time it couldn't be put in words. As I was helpless, she rushed to me with unearthly speed, tearing away clothes as if wanting to break my body into pieces. I was hauled up and bent over the bed. I couldn't think, let alone move. I was helpless. 'Well then, let's begin the installation procedure.' I could only hear her voice, laughing with satisfaction. And then...

'AAAAAAAGH' 'GAAAH' 'AAAAAA'

I screamed. A huge, hard object had been inserted in my colon without warning. The pain was extreme. Making matters worse, it immediately started moving, thrusting in and out as I screamed, time and time again. Between jolts of pain I could feel blood from my torn insides slowly seeping out. If anything, it did seem to act as lubricant, lessening the pain to an extent. As I stopped shouting, I could hear another voice, moaning and panting, louder and louder. And finally... 'A...ah I'm co...coming...aaaaah!'

What followed next was beyond reason. An unlimited number of blades materialized, one by one, inside of me, making their way out, tearing my body to shreds in the process. And as that happened, it was flashing before my eyes. Not my life, that is, but UBW. I was feeling it with every fiber of my broken body. Archer's GAR, epic fights between servants, all had become a part of me. An experience beyond life and time. I was on the verge of death, but it didn't matter. I was happy. This was more than I could have ever hoped for, from my life.

'Installation successful. No errors have been reported.' her words, the last I'd ever hear, sounded in my ears. And at that point I understood what it all had been for. Months of testing, inhuman amounts of work, all to achieve that ultimate experience. With my last thread of consciousness, I begged Message for forgiveness. I knew he wouldn't hear me, but I had to do it. I had finally understood the meaning behind Message's work, and I died content, knowing that even if I had lived on, there would never be anything that would remotely equal what I had just experienced. I was complete. That was the true meaning of UBW installation.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:43 am

Some 19-year-old guy came over to my house a few times. He lived across the street, though I can't remember what his (alleged) intentions were in coming over. I couldn't tell what kind of race he was - part-Mexican, part-black, some kind of brown - but I remember him being fairly tall with one of those shitty half-assed mustaches those types of guys grow. You know, the kind where it's somewhere between ratty stray hairs and a full, well-groomed mass of hair.

Anyways, the only real memory I have of this guy was my grandpa walking in on him in my room with his jeans down to his ankles and the back of my head blocking the view of his genitals. All I heard was my grandpa's authoritative yet perplexed voice say, "What's going on in here?" The guy was stunned into silence, and I, for whatever reason, cheerily explained to my grandpa that he was teaching me how to zip up my jeans. And somehow he bought it.

That's where I received and gave my first blowjob. I didn't see the guy at my house anymore after that. I saw him on the street a short while later, and I waved and said hello, but he didn't respond. After that, I didn't see him ever again. I found out later that he was a registered child molester. I was four.

Cut to my next memory. I'm in preschool. It's recess, and I go play with a girl I'd befriended. What did we play? Why, house, of course. What girl doesn't want to play house? I could've played with the other kids, but I had other plans.

We sat down in the little play house, and she's blathering on about some pretend nonsense. I mention something about peepees. I ask her if she has one. She says no. I ask her if she's seen one. She says no. I ask her if she wants to. She's interested. I pull down the front of my pants and expose my PENIS. She giggles, saying something like, "that's weird."

"What are you doing?" Some kid must've heard the conversation and now he's interested. I yell at him to go away, that this is private, and he's not allowed in. He gets butthurt and runs off. I think I'm in the clear.

"Can I see yours?" I ask the girl. She responds, "But I don't have one!" She pulls down the front of her pants to show me. Just as that happens, I hear, "What's going on in here?!" Oh shit, it's the fucking teacher. Just my luck, too, that she's a woman. She goes on a tirade and I can't quite slip my way out of this one.

I get kicked out of preschool. My mom denies the whole thing, deeming the incident ridiculous. The girl got to stay in. I saw her a year or two later outside the preschool. We waved. I never saw her again after that. I was five.

Moving forward to kindergarten. I was increasingly having trouble containing my sexual urges. I began popping boners left and right, yet I didn't understand the mechanics of "getting off" at that point, so there was nothing I could do about them, other than reach down my pants and "adjust." That got me a lot of dirty looks. However, I soon found a way around this.

Second grade. The teacher is giving this long, boring lecture, and I doze off, daydreaming about things that got me hard. Sure enough, I got hard. This time, however, I decided to do something about it. I began rubbing my dick against my inner thigh from the outside of my pants, and it felt amazing. I was detached from the world in an overwhelming feeling of ecstasy. The feeling built and built and built until I ejaculated, though nothing came out.

To my surprise, I realized I had been staring at a girl with a fat face the whole time, and she had been looking at me the whole time. She must've wondered why I was staring at her, trying to figure out what I was doing, but she couldn't see under the desk...that is, until she leaned over and saw where my hands were. She made a disgusted face, and I then realized how ugly she was. I don't blame her for that, though; I can only imagine the faces I was making.

This was when I figured out how to cum; I'm sure many of you have funny stories about this momentous event as well. Though it was quite a great feeling, looking at pigface didn't give me much satisfaction. And since I didn't get too far with girls, I decided to go into familiar territory: boys.

Thus, my best friend became "more than friends." We would often slip away to the bathroom together and take turns performing fellatio on each other. One time some kid came in and we pretended like we were peeing, then went right back to it afterwords. That made it more fun and exciting. No one suspected a thing.

I'm actually quite regretful of this, in retrospect. Chances are that this kid is pretty fucked up and is struggling with his sexuality. That's a heavy weight on your shoulders as a kid. I'd like to reach out and apologize to the guy, but I doubt I ever will for fear of what he may do or say to me. It's like, how would you approach the guy whose life you alone fucked up? What would you say to him? And it's not like there could be justice in punishment or something; I didn't know what I was doing to the fullest extent, so there's this sort-of existential paradox of no one place to put the blame and anger and regret. But I guess that's happened to a lot of people under similar circumstances, so there's this feeling of sympathy and coming together that makes it better to deal with somehow. That or tortured solitude on the internet. But I digress.

Those events happened on-and-off from kindergarten to second grade, until I moved. I began to slowly realize the evils that I had done, so I did what any normal American would do: I ate. I ate so much that my doctor would later make a joke about me breaking into the local Krispy Kreme shop and eating all their doughnuts - right to my face. And it wasn't even funny. That made me eat more. So much for reverse psychology. Prick.

I should probably mention that it was at this time that I was introduced to pornography for the first time. I was ten. And it was awesome.

Anyways, now that I was Tubby McChubbems, I had a hard time finding friends; that is, until some neighbors forced their kids to play with me. Thus, I stumbled upon my next victims. Nothing really fancy happened, as I had tried to curb my sexual appetite ever since realizing my evil ways. I eventually gave in and played grab-cock with three various boys, but that's as far as it went. I moved again, and went through the whole process again of re-questioning my values and so forth. I finally came to the conclusion that I wouldn't initiate the acts anymore. But this time, a strange thing happened; instead of me instigating the sexual encounters, they were instigated upon me by two other boys at two different times.

The first guy invited me over to his house and we started looking at porn on his computer. It was one of those shitty free websites where they let you watch a 2 minute video for free once each day, and we figured out how to watch more videos by changing the date in windows (woohoo shitty JavaScript free porn score). This guy was quite an asshole, the kind of guy I'd imagine the average /b/tard to be, and he abruptly decided we weren't gonna watch porn anymore. Needless to say, I was quite averse to the idea. However, he said he'd put on Basic Instinct, so we watched that instead.

Guess which scene it was? Yup, the mirror-above-the-bed scene. It was just as good as porn to a twelve-year-old. The scene starts and I plead with him to go back to computer porn, and his response was, "Only if I can see if you have a boner by tapping your dick with the remote." "Dude, I already have a boner." I told him, and he said "I just want to make sure." So I said fine. And he did. He gently tapped it at first, and then he slapped it pretty hard with the remote and let out a laugh comparable to that of Scut Farkus' cackle from A Christmas Story (remember the kid with yellow eyes?). With that, we went back to the computer.

That was the end of that. WHAT NO REAL SEX? No, but still, wouldn't you say that's weird? I never even thought about anyone's junk at all unless I was going to do something with it, you know? He was pretty fucking ugly anyways. I looked him up on MySpace and he looks like a gas station attendant. His quote was something like, "finally done with high school. thank fucking christ," which I can totally relate to, but coming from him it's like the mantra of basement-dwellers everywhere.

The second guy, on the other hand, had more in store for me.

We were at my house this time, and this guy, out of nowhere, gets a boner and pulls his dick out. It was kind of funny the way he went about it now that I look back on it; all the subtle hints - closing my door with some excuse about parents listening to teenage conversations, laying on my bed trying to look all cool while watching tv, so nonchalantly taking his dick out and looking at me with a raised eyebrow - meticulously planned, I'm sure of it.

Not being the type to disappoint, I took out my dick as well. He wasn't so interested in the idea of giving as he was in taking, which was fine by me since I was trained to be a giver by my original molester. After some warming of the hands, I began rubbing his cock, and he really hammed up his display of appreciation. My grandparents were in the house, so it was quite risqué to be doing any of this. I offered to suck his dick, but he was opposed to the idea - just experimenting, I guess. I decided it was probably better if we didn't do anything further anyways.

Other than him sporadically jumping on my back when I laid down on the floor and trying to somehow fuck me through my pants (which failed), that was all that happened. That was the first time I saw a curved dick. Little did I know that later mine would curve as well...but in a different direction. Sidecock, anyone? Ah, the glory days of being twelve; when your balls were smooth and your dick didn't curve. You gave your cock cool names like Steve or Jimmy, whereas now... now I call him One-Eyed Pete, mainly because if I put a little captain's hat on him, he'd look like a depressed pirate. "YARRrrr," in the saddest of ways.

That was about the gist of my sexual encounters. Rather than stopping here, I'd like to consider the aftermath of these events. Join me, won't you?

I'm almost old enough to legally drink, yet I'm still technically a virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or a guy for that matter, nor have I penetrated any orifice other than the mouth. I don't consider myself bi nor gay, not only because the balls never touched, but because I really want to fuck some pussy. Women turn me on, and sex with a man seems absolutely revolting, but it does seem somewhat difficult to discount all of those homoerotic experiences I've had. Returning to my original statement at the beginning of the thread, would things be different if I had gotten a bit further with that girl in the playhouse? Perhaps. Would none of this have happened were I not molested? Perhaps. But speculation is a meaningless task. No one knows.

As for the sexual repercussions: conventional porn turns me off. Nothing gets me flaccid like watching some hollowed-out whore writhe around on some guy's semi-chubby. Even the amateur stuff is becoming a bore. Thus, I've turned to alternative pornography. Somewhere along the lines I became slightly interested in, yet at the same time disgusted with bestiality. Every now and then I need to see a dog convulse on some woman for twelve seconds to get one off. And then afterwords I say to myself, "Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is beyond fucked up." I've lost you, haven't I? Let me bring you back, then.

Hentai used to do it for me, but not so much anymore; it is, however, saved by two alarmingly fucked-up taboos (in my opinion): incest and lolis.

For me, I have no sexual interest in lolis because of their physical attributes. Rather, it's the mental empathetic response I have to them experiencing these sexual encounters at such a young age as I did. Incest follows the same pattern, as incest is usually depicted with at least one underage participant, at least in hentai. I've often found that some of these fucked-up ideas "leak out" to other sexual arousals; for instance, I've found myself being aroused by incestuous pornography featuring adults, such as the 1970's Taboo series. I have no urge to commit incest with a family member, but the carried-over taboo principle makes it worth jerkin' to.

Though I've found myself being aroused by related young girls in particular, as many of you have in your responses to certain threads - for instance, younger girls bouncing up and down on your lap and you may or may not try to hide your boner - I've made sure to not do anything to harm the relationship or the child since realizing my ways. I suppose some people live out their lives as deviants, taking pleasure in thinking of what they would do to such children, whereas others treat it as an affliction, seeking refuge on the internet where they can get these thoughts off their chest without persecution.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:48 am

So I was out in my yard doing some gardening (it's actually quite relaxing) and I saw this little girl walking down the street in the corner of my eye. But something was wrong with her, she seemed frantic and lost. Her shirt was torn, and her arms were crossed tightly around her chest. I could just tell something was wrong with her. So when she walked by me, I called out to her. "Hey, where are you going in such a hurry?" Trying to sound friendly.

"sorry mister, please just. . "

she cut her sentence short and just went right on walking. I thought "Nah, forget it." But after a few minutes later, I went inside to get my lunch (a sammich from Publix) and I sat down on my porch and ate it. I saw something moving in the bushes across the street, something big was in the bushes. I knew who it was. It was the little girl from before, spying on me. I waved at the bush, and held up my sandwich towards it, implying that I had foodstuffs and that I was friendly. I had no intentions of molesting her, raping her, or killing her, but I just had a feeling she was in some kind of troublesome life-crisis.

After a few more bites (it was almost gone) I held it back up to her, and showed her that I had almost finished it. I hoped she didn't think I was showing off that I had food and she didn't. I just wanted to tell her that I had a bit of sandwich left, and she was welcome to have it. I was still hungry, but I didn't finish the rest of it. I wrapped it up and (along with some chips and the rest of my ice tea) placed it on the steps to my porch. I went inside my screened in porch and sat down on the chair, hidden from view of outsiders. Eventually, I saw a little body creep up, and inspect the wrapped up sandwich. It was her. She began to un-wrap the sandwich, and she took a giant chug from my drink. She got into the sandwich, and gobbled it all down quickly.

"why, hello there." I said, from behind my screened in castle.

She got startled, but didn't run away. She just crouched down on the ground and tried to hide her head. I stood up and opened the door.

"Going somewhere, or are you just here to steal my food?" I had a friendly look on my face so she didn't think I was serious.

"I- I'm sorry if you wanted that. . it was right there. . .just please don't take me back." She seemed less afraid than she did disappointed.

"I'm not going to get you in trouble. You seem a bit roughed up, are you ok?" I wanted to hold her attention for as long as possible for some reason.

"I- I am tired. I just can't go back!"

Uh-oh, generally when a loli says she "cant go back" that means one of two things: Orphanage that she hates or an abusive home.

"Where can't you go back? Are you on the run from someone?"

She hesitated, and looked all around for a moment.

"I can't tell you. . please I came so far, don't make me go back."

"How can I take you back? I don't even know where you came from. Just tell me, are you in trouble?"

"I. . yes. Please don't call the cops, or he'll get mad at me again." I guessed in her case it was the second, terrible.

She was about 7 or 8 years old, maybe less than that. She had long, wavy, blond hair. Her clothes looked slightly dirty and her sleeve was torn. She had on a blue T-shirt and a pair of old jeans.

"Just tell me, what is your name?"

"Juliette" she said, looking down to the ground.

"well, Juliette, where are your parents?"

"I don't have any. . I wish i didn't have any."

I knew that either her father or mother abused her mentally or physically, and the latter was shown on her. "what do you mean, you wish you didn't have any?"

She didn't answer, but I saw she started crying a little. I was going to ask if she wanted a ride home, but I figured that was the last thing she wanted right now.

"Are you still hungry, Juliette?"

"Yes. . a lot."

"Want to come inside and I'll fix you something nice?"

I was afraid she would take this the wrong way, all I wanted was to cheer her up, get her into a good home. I'd call the police (or whoever cares) later, but for now I'd get her something to eat and clean her up.

"well. . OK." she said

"alright, lets go inside."

I checked to make sure no neighbors saw this, some of them may also get the wrong idea. I led her into my kitchen, and looked in the fridge.

"lets see, we don't have much, but I think I can find something for you. Until then, feel free to have a seat wherever you want, use the bathroom, take a nap, Ma Maison votre Maison."

"what's that mean?"

"It's french, 'my house is your house'"

"oh OK. thank you for letting me stay here I'm so tired."

"I'm happy to have you, I need some company around here. By the way, my name is Brian."

I reached out to shake her hand, but she didn't respond. I smiled anyway. So as it stands now, I found stuff to make her a sandwich, but she fell asleep in my bed (she managed to find it). She's been sleeping for over an hour and a half.

I'm currently thinking whom I should call, I work as a secretary (yes, a male secretary) at a local government building, and I know how things work. I'll report her, she'll get taken from me, she'll get tangled up in red tape, and in the end go back home where she'll get beaten by some asshole father. tl;dr I have a loli house-mate.


[edit] Part 2

Hey guys! She finally woke up. Well, I had to nudge her a little. I managed to get a few words from her before she felt hungry again, so I got the sandwich out of the fridge and she gobbled it down, along with a glass of milk and some chips. After I broke into my stash of candy (junior mints, the starbursts in the old wrappers and some mini twix bars) and I let her eat as much as she wanted. She seemed content, and began to lighten up. I found it to be a great time to ask her some questions. I started with the simple one: her family situation. At first she was hesitant to say anything, but then she told me everything. She wasn't staying with her real parents, but she was living with her uncle and aunt. Apparently, her uncle was kind of ill-tempered, and would strike her if she got out of line. In this bastard's mind, 'out of line' was pretty much doing everything but sleeping. She didn't say anything about touching in any sexual sense of the word, and that was a relief.

She then told me that her aunt was some kind of party maniac, and was never home. When she was home, she would be mean to Juliette and smoke and drink around her. So the good thing was, Julie wasn't staying with parents, so that makes adoption that much easier. I'm not wholly sure weather I can adopt her from her aunt and uncle, but if I can I will. I asked her if she went to school, and she said she did. . . some times. Most of the time her uncle wouldn't drive her, so she had to walk about three miles to get to school. She didn't like doing this, so she missed lots of days. She said when she was in school she did well, but her grades are slipping because of all the absence. This is all important to me because education comes first where I'm from. She then asked if she could live with me, and I said "Let's hope."

So, she asked about my life. I told her the usual: Living by myself, got dumped a few years ago, pretty much living day to day at my own pace. She admired all the knick-knacks I had at my house, and she took a keen liking to this Chinese statuette of a samurai that was in my room (my room was an Asian themed room, and the rest was just assorted. . . shut the hell up). She also took a liking to me, and that made me feel good. It was still late in the night at this point, but we didn't care. She told me about her parents, and this saddened me. Turns out her parents died in a shooting a few years after she was born (I found out she is officially 9), and she'd lived with her abusive aunt and uncle ever since. I said how horrible that is, to die in a shooting. She said that it was some crime thing but it wasn't aimed at them. Bummer.

I asked her how long the abuse was going on at her new house, and she said it only started a few years ago, when her uncle got fired from his job. That's sick, taking out your imperfections on an innocent child. She didn't really have much trouble opening up to me, and she actually seemed to enjoy talking about how much her life sucked. I guess she thought I would get her aunt and uncle in trouble or something, as I hopped to. I asked her if she has ever told anyone, and surprisingly she said she had. She told one of her friends a while ago that her uncle hits her, but it didn't get past school-yard gossip. Me and her really got along well, even if we have only gotten about thirty minutes of talking time since we met. She just liked the idea of not going back to her old home. I offered to get her out of those old clothes and take a bath/shower and she jumped right on it. I led her up the the bathroom, and turned on the water. I made sure to get it just right so she wouldn't get burned, but not too cold either.

Then, she just stripped right there and got in the tub before it was even filled all the way. She must have not had a good bath in a while, but hey, my tub was gigantic. Even I enjoy it all the time even if I use it every day. I asked her if she needed anything, and showed her were the soaps were, and she seemed to take things up from there. I took up her old clothes and threw them in a hamper, and got one of my sweaters and a pair of shorts for her (just for now). It was my old college sweater, from my junior year. She was in the bath for what seemed like forever, and I started typing this when she was in the bath. When she was ready to come out, I picked her up and wrapped a towel around her, and let her do her own thing. I was in my room making my bed (so it can be messed up again in like an hour when I go to sleep). She came waddling out of the bathroom with my sweater on, and yawned. She was still tired? No problem, I can set her- whoa! She jumped right onto my bed and made herself comfortable. I guess there's no harm in us sleeping in the same bed, I'll sleep on top of the covers and she can sleep under them, right?

So, she's sleeping again. In my bed. Under my sheets. Did I care? Of course not. When I got tired I would decide if there was enough room for me up there, or if I should just sleep on the couch.

tl;dr/recap: Things have gone just as I planned, if not better. She opened right up to me and didn't seem to mind telling me of her troubles. That was good, when it came time to report her old family to the police, we should have no problems. What do you all think? Do I sound too much like a pedo? I don't try to.
[edit] Part 3

It's me again, good news from the battlefront. I went to sleep right after my thread died last night (thank you all for the support). I woke up at about nine o'clock, and I made her some breakfast for her. But she never got up. Lazy Julie is still in there sleeping. Around ten she woke up. It's ok, she must need the sleep. She came walking down the stairs, a little confused. But I greeted her with a warm smile and a hello. She was still a little groggy, so she just nodded at me. I made her an egg and English muffin sandwich (having ate her bacon from before) and she just totally inhaled it. I let her go watch TV, and I pondered who I should call. I finally just called non-emergency 911. It wasn't an emergency, after all. The woman on the other end was moody, and all I wanted was to be friendly.

I told them that a little girl was lost, and that I had reason to believe that she came from an abusive home. She seemed to understand, and told me that I should bring her to the suburban precinct. OK, that's doable. So after some Q&A with her, I hung up the phone. I told Juliette that we were going to tell on your aunt and uncle, and it was really important that she told the truth. So after a little bit, I got her old clothes (didn't have anything that fit her) and she changed back into them. We climbed into my tiny little coupe and we drove down there. On the way, I told her to say that I just found her this morning and that I had fed you. She agreed.When we got down there, I held her hand and led her into the police station. I talked to the girl behind the counter about our story, and she didn't instantly take me as a crazy pedo. I told her that there is strong reason to believe that her uncle and aunt were abusive, and that she needs to get out of that house. She understood, and she told me to have a seat right over there. Oh lawd, is that some irony? we waited in the lobby for what seemed like forever. Then finally someone came out to get us.

He filled me in on the rules, and I told him my mind. They would have to take her to a orphanage for now, they would usually make her go home but I managed to convince them that was not a good idea (she helped too). It was towards the end of our meeting that I said that I had it in my mind to adopt her, and he told me that it was up to the orphanage. He said that they would investigate the home, and she had to give them some contact info on her aunt and uncle. It took her some thinking to remember everything they asked for, but she managed to do it. Finally, an agent from the orphanage showed up to take her away. We shared a sad goodbye. I talked to the agent in privet. I said that I and she thought it would be best if I adopt her, that is if her old home is really as bad as she says. He said that it wasn't his department, but he thought that sounded reasonable. ok, good.

Before they took her away, she ran over and gave me a hug. AWWWWWWWWWWWW. She was sad to go, but she trusted us enough to know that we weren't taking her back home. I had to stay there for some more questions about how I saw her, what I did with her, etc. He gave me a background check, and it came up with no bad marks. I was a clean man, fully capable of being trusted. I had nothing to hide of course, so I answered everything no problem. Then he asked me what I thought about her current home. I said that from the looks of it, she wasn't staying with her parents, she hated it there, and her uncle abused her as her mom drank herself to death. He was fine with everything. It was A-OK. I caught the agent as he was taking Juliette away, and he said if I wanted to contact the orphanage I could at any time. He gave me the number and the street address. This guy seemed nice, and he knew I wanted Juliette, and he didn't doubt me for a second.

So I got home at around 11:30, without a loli in tow, and I began to type this up soon after. I know many of you will respond by saying "RIP OFF OF BLINDMUTE LOLI!" "PICS OR IT NEVER HAPPENED" "WHY DIDN'T YOU POOPER HER?" But I really don't care. I know that some of you care about this, so I'm updating you. I think I will call the orphanage soon to ask if they got Juliette checked in yet. I've got a feeling I'll be visiting her every once in a while.
[edit] Part 4

Greetings, /b/. It is me again. Today after I went home and started my last thread I felt lonely again. I just liked having someone around the house that I could take care of, and she was now sitting in some orphanage (or foster home or waiting room) waiting for the day we were re-united. So I figured I might as well call the number the guy gave me and see if she was processed yet. It turns out that she was at an orphanage, and they had no idea how the situation with her aunt and uncle was going. I asked if I could come down and visit her, and they said that visiting hours were from 9-7, and that I was welcome to come down. I got some stuff to take with me: the last couple of mini-twix bars, as well as my pillow. I got in my car, and drove down there. The place seemed to be a total dump. It was one of those stereotypical 1940s sinister looking brick walled building. I went in, got searched, and they showed me where Julie's room was. There were ten beds in every room, some of them un-occupied, for all of one gender in one room. She saw me the instant I walked over and ran up to hug me. She asked her what took me so long, and I just laughed. I gave her the twix bars, and she ate one and saved the other for later. The lady that showed me to her room was still there, just to monitor us (She said she was supposed to be on duty in that room, but she wasn't there when I came). We talked for a while and I asked her about her aunt and uncle some more. She seemed a bit less comfortable talking about it with all of the other girls around, so I didn't ask her too much about it. I could visit her for as long as I wanted to, but I didn't plan on staying to 7:00.

I asked her if she wanted to live with me, and I knew the answer before I even asked the question. She got really happy and started asking me "When? When will I live with you, Brian?" She was putting on a pretty large display here, but at least she was happy. I glanced over to the lady watching "the room" and she had a little smile on her face. I found it more weird than anything, because all I did was give this girl a sammich and a bath. . and a good night's sleep. . . and love.I knew that she would say "not my department" when I asked.

"Excuse me, ma'am. . I need to talk to someone about the adoption process." I got up and walked over to her, signaling for Julie to remain seated on the bed.

"Can I adopt her? I mean, if her aunt and uncle get taken away for what they've done."

"What did they do?" She asked. I forgot she didn't even know what the hell I was talking about.

"well, it's kind of a long story, but this girl has been living in an abusive home for over three years. I'm the one that turned her in, and the police say that they're investigating it and all, but I don't know."

The lady gave me the standard "Not my area" speech, then she said

"If the police take away her closes known relatives, and from what you're giving me i bet they will, then she will be put up for adoption. And from there, you just have to prove yourself a worthy host. I can see she already likes you." She was on the bed, playing around with a doll.

"I understand, but I'm just worried that she'll have to go back to her aunt and uncle. . . we don't want that if they're anything like what she said they are." I told her.

"I wouldn't worry about it, they pay the police to do their job, you can trust them to do it." That's what worried me.

"Alright then, I was just asking."

"If you want some good info, you should speak to the police and ask them how far in the case they've come. Who knows? maybe they've caught the two already."

I nodded and said good bye to her, and walked back over to Juliette.

We visited for a while longer, we talked about things like our favorite music, TV shows, etc. She says that she and her parents liked classical music and that it relaxed her. That's great, I'm into the pops myself. She says that she never gets to watch TV at her house, but she does have a CD player with some classical music on it. I almost teared up for whatever reason when she said sometimes she just puts on her headphones, to drown out her uncle's yelling, and curls up to a pillow at night to fall asleep. AWWWWWWWWWWW I asked her what she thought about living at this place. She said

"It stinks" I laughed, and said "Places like this usually do. Have you talked to any of the other girls yet?"

"no. . . I just got here. Nobody wants to talk to me either."

"That's a shame. I'm sure they'd like you if they had the chance to."

She smiled at me. After some more small talk, I looked at the time and decided I better go home. I gave her a goodbye hug and said I'd be back tomorrow to check in on her. The lady showed me back to the lobby and I told her to watch over Juliette, just to show her that I was on to her (As in she was not watching the room but just me).

Then I came home at around seven and started typing this. So, to recap (tl;dr): I visited her we had fun No pictures. . yet.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:48 am

Part 5

Hey, It's me again (the guy that maybe three people know about)

Well, I'm pissed. I'm a gentle guy, I usually don't get pissed. But you know what happened? They sent her back to the aunt and uncle. I knew it would end like this, but It shocked me nonetheless. It started today when I was on my lunch break. I called the place where she was staying at, and they said that she had checked out. Checked out? That had to mean one thing: The aunt and uncle found her. I asked her if she knew who took Juliette, and she said it was her aunt. Man, things just suck some times. But no, this couldn't be the end. I had planned so much, I even told you guys about her. I can't let her go back to her old and abusive 'home' where she'll get beaten for trying to find a better life. I had to get her back.

I still remembered the contact info on the aunt and uncle, and I found out where they lived by looking up the phone number (it was listed - that surprised me) and I had all I needed to go down there myself and get her back. But you know what? I still had work till 5:00 (it was around 12:30 when I took lunch off). So I had to go five hours thinking about all the horrible things that asshole of an uncle was doing to my poor Juliette. I could hardly work after that, and I accidentally put a phone call on speaker (when I had to patch it through to my boss - yeah, you can shut up about me being a secretary, Nurse-kun is a nurse). So the time came for me to head home, and I just bolted out and got into my car to drive home. When I got there, I called the number of her uncles house. . . nobody picked up. Again I called. . . nobody picked up. I left two messages (saying that I was Juliette's teacher) on the machine before I called it quits. I couldn't just go down there, what would I do? But you know what? I felt like being an asshole right now, so I decided to drive down to the house and just scout it out.

When I got there, it looked like the standard low-class brickwall house on the outskirts of the middle-class suburbs. I didn't want to knock on the door, but I parked in an empty lot across the street, and went up to the house to peek in the windows. I didn't see anybody. . the lights were out. The place looked like the standard "terrible parents trashy dump" kind of place, but I didn't see anyone. I left a note on the door with my number on it (i hoped that Julie saw it before anyone else did) that said -Brian. So after that, I just came home and started thinking weather or not I should call the police. I had no reason to, I saw no abuse take place. In fact, I didn't even see anyone. Maybe it was the wrong place? Maybe they saw me drive up and hid in the other room, thinking I was a child welfare agent? I wished it to be the last one, because if that was true they had to have been hiding from me for a reason. And that reason shot a big flare in the sky that said "ABUSE".

I don't know, maybe I am just a unconsciously pedophilic gardener, and I'm just obsessed with the girl that let lose my fantasies. Nah, I doubt it. So for those who care, that's what happened today.


[edit] Part 6

Hey /b/ it's me.

An important thing happened today. I got off of work at five like I usually do. And instead of jumping on /b/ or tending to my garden, I drove to Juliette's house. Again, I parked in an empty lot across the street behind some bushes. I was still wearing my jacket and tie from work. I sneaked up to the house to peek into the windows. There was someone in the house this time: Juliette. My heart rose to new heights when I saw her. She was curled up on a couch (with a pillow) listening to a CD player. I didn't see anyone else in the house, so I knocked on the door. She jumped when she heard the door, but didn't get up. Instead she peeked out the window, first in the wrong direction, then right at me. Her face light up. She tore off the headphones and ran to open the door. "hey there you are. How are things going?" I asked as she gave me a hug. "Are you staying?" She asked, without answering me. "I can't. Is there anyone home?" I asked, looking around. "They're out shopping. . I think. They've been gone for a long time." "I see. Well, they must be due to be back soon. It may not be a good idea for me to be here when they get home. . did you get my note?" She looked at me, puzzled. Oh well, plan A failed. "I guess not. Here, take this." I handed her a card with my number and address on it (i wrote directions on how to get there on the back).

She asked if I was going to take her away, I asked her a serious question. "When you came back, did your uncle hit you again?" I patted her on the shoulder. The expression dropped from her face. Silence. "I need you to answer me. This is for real." She looked up at me, two saddened eyes and said "Y. . . yes. But I didn't do what he told me to! It was my fault." I pat her head gently. "It wasn't your fault, no matter what he said." She tried to smile. I could tell that she was a totally different girl now that that bastard had his hands on her. You all know how it goes, something like talking to someone could change your entire mind about something. And in this girl's case a beating changed her mind. Terrible. She asked again if I was going to come in, and I decided I might as well. The place was not terribly filthy, but it was a dump compared to my place (not to brag). There were beer bottles all over the floor, stains on the carpets, dishes in the sink. It looked like there were burns on the couch (aunt sleeping with cigarettes?) and there even was a hole in the wall.

I only stayed for a little while, but the time we shared was nice. She showed me her room. It was just like I imagined it: tiny bed, a few dolls here and there, and I saw something that caught my eye: A telescope. and it was a nice one. When questioned about the telescope, she gave a an answer that warmed my heart. "My parents were astronomers. We used to look at the sky all the time before. . but now there is a broken piece in it, so I can't use it. It was the only thing that I had that was theirs." I felt like I had to fix this thing, or at least get a new one. No, a new one wouldn't be as special. I had to fix it. "tell you what. I'll take this, and I can get it fixed by tomorrow. deal?" She seemed to like the idea, and said "that would be great!" the sun shined on my insides to see how happy she was. After I told her about everything (I was going to get off my ass and try to get her uncle in trouble) that I had planned, I said my good-bye and dismantled the telescope. Did I tell you that I am an astronomy buff? I recognized her telescope: A high-end Celestron. I broke it down and packed it up in it's bag, making sure to not even put a scratch on it. I told her that she can call me or come over any time she wanted, if she could. I loaded up my car and waved one last time at her. She stood at the window and watched me drive away.

I hope she can find a way to call me when she's feeling lonely or whenever she wants too. But now I have evidence that she has been hit again, straight from the victim's mouth. No, I didn't tear off her clothes and "inspect" her. But I do have a probability that the bastard uncle and aunt will get v&. Hitting a little girl. Man that just disturbs me. So, I've got this broken telescope that I assume has a busted lens. I don't want to let her down, so I'll try my best to get it fixed by tomorrow.

So do you think this makes up for being a cold hearted, 9/11-laughing /b/tard? I hope so.


[edit] Part ??? (very early in the morning)

Hey /b/, it is I. Good news and bad news.

This morning before I went to work, I dropped the telescope off at my cousin's shop. He said that it wouldn't take that long, and at the most it will take a couple of days. He didn't go into what was wrong with it, but I had to go to work anyway. Today was a sort of casual day, and I managed to get the temp (sort of my intern) to take my spot so I could get off of work an hour early, and my boss let me. I called my cousin to check up on the telescope, and he had the parts that we needed on the way. Turns out he knows someone who was an expert at fixing telescopes (I'm sure it wasn't his main profession) and he had a replacement part RTG. Now all he had to do was get it fixed, and that should take a few hours. Things were moving along quicker than I expected. If it all went to plan, I would have her telescope ready for her today but that didn't seem to be enough. So, I made a trip to the mall to get her some books and maybe a new classical CD. I went into a Barnes & Noble and looked around for some astronomy books. I saw a few star chart type books, an Astronomy book for kids, and a book about how to use a telescope (also for kids). I got all three, then made my way to the music shop. There was not a wide selection of classical, but I wanted to get her some more of it since I'm sure she had heard her CD over and over a million times. I got a "best of" CD with a few artists on it.

So now I had an assortment of gifts, and time to kill. I took all my stuff home and started to read one of the books. So nothing happens until around six, when my cousin calls and says "Come by in about a half an hour, I'll have it ready by then". I was surprised how quickly he got it done, but I'm not complaining. So thirty minutes later I drove down there, and sure enough he had it fixed. He said that it was still delicate, and that I shouldn't play around with it. I thanked him, and payed him in full (rather than our discount) for the speedy job. Ok, so soon I would case Juliette's house and if nobody was there I would deliver her telescope, CD's, and books. So I loaded my stuff up and drove down there. The telescope was wrapped up in a bag inside it's case. When I pulled up, I heard sound from inside the house. . bad sound. The aunt and uncle were there for once, and they were arguing. I didn't know what to do, I knew I shouldn't just knock on the door, but I didn't want to leave in case Julie was getting abused in there. So I just sat in my car and waited. Every once in a while I saw someone go past the window, flailing his/her arms around and screaming. I felt like busting in the place and taking her out of there, but I still didn't know if she was involved or not. It was starting to get less light (not dark yet, just less light out), and I knew I couldn't stay for ever. And then, the door slammed open, and the uncle stormed out and got in a beat up old car, and then just drove off. As he was pulling out, the aunt came out and started throwing things at the car and yelling more. I ducked down in my car so they didn't see me.

She then fell down on the ground, and it looked like she hit her head on a stone in the yard. Uh-oh. Thinking of an Alibi just in case, I got out of the car and walked over. I looked to see if she was alright, and she had busted her head pretty bad on a stone. It wasn't cracked open, but there was blood. I asked if she was OK, but she was knocked out cold. I couldn't just leave now. I went inside the house to find a phone (to call the police) when I saw her. She was sitting in a corner, her headphones on and with a pillow being held tightly in her arms. Her eyes were clenched shut and I could see that she had been crying. I walked over to her, and as I approached she clenched more. Until I touched her head. She squealed, then looked up to see me. I had a over coat on, un-buttoned. I cast a shadow over her, so I imagine i looked pretty awesome from her perspective. . I digress. When she saw that it was me, she jumped up and grabbed onto me.

"What happened here?" I asked

"They, they are fighting again. . but it was never like this. ." She said, managing to speak with her throat all choked up from crying.

"Shh, don't cry. It's OK, I'm here." I said, running my finger through her hair.

"Please. . . why can't you take me away?" She asked. "I wish it were that easy. Oh, damn. . I need to call the police, you're aunt hit her head on a stone out there and she looks pretty bad."

She sniffed, and showed me to the phone. So after I called, I went out to the yard to see if she was still alive. She was still knocked out, but was breathing. Julie was standing in the doorway, staring at me. I kind of looked like a hitman the way I was dressed, as pointed out by Julie:

"you look like a killer." she said, mood lightened.

"I do?" I laughed a little, despite the situation.

"well, yeah. Like I saw this movie with a killer in it, and he dressed the same way you did. And of course you're standing in front of a body."

I laughed again. **** her, if she wants to get drunk and smoke around a little girl she deserves to be in this situation.

I remembered the gifts, but decided against giving them to her right now. It just wouldn't be as special. The police showed up, and I told them what I saw. Then they asked Julie what she saw, and she told them. Our stores matched like a puzzle, so I was in the clear. They knew that she would be unable to take care of herself alone at the house (she could, but I don't blame her for saying she can't) so they were going to take her to a foster home or whatever. It was her that brought up the idea: she go with me. I explained to them everything I knew of her situation, and she confirmed it all. I said that I had found her on the street last weekend, and that I turned her into the authorities like I should have. After I said that I could watch her, and they made sure that she wanted to, they told me that as long as we knew each other that It was possible. They just had to take her into the station to get her claim (cases without children aren't like that, they just take what they get from the scene) about what happened once again. so they did, and when it was all said and done, I brought up the fact that she was being abused at home, and that they should get the CSS to investigate her case, and they said that would be a good thing to do. So, I took her home and guess what? I offered her if she wanted to order a pizza, and she told me, and I quote "I hate pizza". I lol'd.

So, after that (I ordered Chinese instead) I showed her my gifts. She was so damn happy, it made me feel like my whole life before that point was worthless. It felt so good to see the light in her eye as I handed her the telescope, CD's, and books. She gave me a big hug, and I put in one of her new CD's in my Bose stereo and we listened to it as I showed her the books I got for us. When our food arrived, we ate it as it started to get dark. She seemed tired, so I pulled out the futon in my study so she could lie down. She's up there sleeping right now, and I'm as happy as possible. I'm just damn lucky that the cops didn't be dicks about it. I'll confess, I told them that I took care of her some times (not a total lie if you think about it) to get them to let me take her, but in the end we're all happy. They would contact me later to tell of how everything is going. So, for tl;dr: got loli's telescope fixed, saved loli from an argument, took loli home, gave loli gifts, loli haet pizza, and I'm living the high life.

Hey /b/, it's me again.

Well, first let me say thank you for all the support. I felt good when my thread was revived at the last moment, and got some good discussion in it. Some time before It died, I went to bed. I fell asleep pretty quickly, and it was a nice deep sleep. But this morning, I woke up with someone in my bed. She had crawled into bed with me some time last night. I didn't really mind, but she startled me when I woke up. I patted her head to see if she was going to wake up soon, and she just stayed right-on sleeping. I felt weird that day, I felt like I didn't want to go to work. I hadn't missed a single day so far all year, and I had some vacation time anyway, so I called my boss and said I was sick. He understood, and hoped I got better. Ok, great, I've got the whole day to spend with her (or at least until they collect her). We spent the day reading out astronomy books, listening to the CD I got her, and talking. We had a heart to heart about the situation, and she broke down with emotions. It's weird, but I felt like Leon. I have known this loli for less than a week, and she's throwing herself all over me like I was her father. And no, I'm not a "cleaner".

So the day went pretty normal. No call from any police or CSS or anything. I didn't think much of it, because we were having fun. I learned some more about her parents: She told me that what she remembers of them is foggy, but she does remember them having a lot of books and being into astronomy. They liked classical music, nice food, and they seemed to live a perfect life. It's ironic that these people could be so perfect (in my eyes) and have such close relatives that were total trash. She also said that they would always go out together and eat at fancy restaurants. Then one day they went out to go to the park together, and while they were on their way (they walked) there were some kind of gang members all out in the street. Then she just remembers gunshots and hiding behind a car while her parents got gunned down. She said that the police said that it was an un-intentional shooting, and that the gangs were aiming at each other. But, bullets are nasty things to try to control. I almost started crying right there. Imagine: being a little girl, out with your parents on yet another fun day out, and then their lives are over just like that. I'm surprised she managed to remember all that, she was only 4. But I don't underestimate her. But anyway. . . moving onto a lighter topic.

Since there was no call from any organization, we planned on going out and stargazing tonight. I'm sure her telescope is OK to be taken out of it's case now, and I've got a perfect spot to go where we can see the most stars. Even with all the thoughts of sadness, she managed to be as happy as I've ever seen a person. She was happy to know that act two of her life was over, now we were moving into act three. I, myself felt this to be a turning point in my life. Who knows, maybe I'm just overreacting to this. But at least I know she'll never have to go back to the aunt and uncle after what happened, and I'm willing to fight tooth and nail to get her into a better home. And she seems to like my home a lot, so here is where she is destined to be. So, /b/, tonight at around 12 I'm taking her stargazing. I know it seems late, but from what I've seen she won't even mind staying up till three if she wanted to. If anything eventful happens, I'll update you when we return. But I probably won't. See you later /b/. In b4 newfaggish and total irrelevant bashing

Hello again /b/, nice to see you again.

I'm sure I don't have to talk about the whole Caturday nap, you all know. It's been since Friday that I gave you an update because of it, and since then some big things have been happening. Pretty much I had her all weekend. Then when Monday came around, I didn't know if I should stay with her or go to work. I ended up letting her stay home alone, and it worked out well. She didn't burn the place down or anything. So Tuesday, I got a call from the police. I'll tell you about all that later. But for now: Saturday. Saturday is the day we went out stargazing at night. And I can tell you, it was magic. I wanted to go Friday night, but I had some at home work to do to make up for me staying home Friday. So we went out at around 11:00 Saturday night, and set up the spot up on Grandview Park. We could see the lights of the city shining right across the river, and sounds of the pine trees rustling and the smell of the wind filled the air. We got unpacked, and set up the telescope. I had a boom box, and I played the CD I bought her quietly as we looked around. The sky wasn't perfect for stargazing, but you could see quite a bit. But I really didn't care about the stars. I just cared about looking back down at her beaming smile. She was so damn happy, I don't think anything could ruin it. We found Polaris, a few constellations, and just looked around. I was having a lot of fun too. But this was her night, a chance to feel like her life meant something and to show her that there was still good in the world. She started feeling hungry, so we unpacked our (you guessed it) sammiches from a Deli. She ate hers quickly, and I just enjoyed mine. We started talking some more about her life at school.

She says that when she goes to school, she isn't very popular. She doesn't have many friends, they all think she's crazy. She does well from what I've heard, but she never goes because her damn uncle never would take her in, and there is a long walk to there and back. Poor girl. So we talked for most of the time, wile just looking up at the sky. It was very nice, and there was a feeling that I don't think I've ever felt before. But I won't get all wishy washy on you, I know how you are. So anyway, we went home late at around 1:30 or so, and I crashed in my bed, as did she on her futon. But the next morning, I woke up with a little body in my bed. I didn't mind. For the rest of the weekend, we mostly just sat around and listened to music and read. I showed her some of my favorite bands, including The Coral, New Pornographers, and REM. She seemed to like most of it, but it was hard explaining the name of The New Pornographers to her. She especially liked Sing Me Spanish Techno (by TNP), that was funny, I've always loved that song too. Then Monday came, I left her with my house at her disposal and it's needless to say that she (as well as Sing Me Spanish Techno) was on my mind all day. I came home to find her at my computer. gee, let's hope she didn't find my porno stash, eh? Hehe. I asked her if she's ever used a computer before, and she told me what I assumed. No, she's never even seen one except at school. So I kind of showed her around and things. She took an interest in it and that made me happy. So now she'll either grow up to be an astronomer or a computer-using something. Computer skills are becoming a necessity, after all.

That night, I took her out to a, Italian restaurant. I kind of wanted to teach her some table manners and the like, but we mostly just talked about other things. When we got home, I introduced her to the crazy laugh-thirsty tickle monster! I know, it's corny and may even sound perverted, but come on, she's a kid. Kid like tickles, right? Oh well, she liked it at least. She got her bath as I lie down in bed with my book. She came in just before I was going to go to sleep. I asked her what she needed, and she wanted to lay down with me. "well, you might as well. You seem to end up here in the morning anyway." I showed her the book I was reading, and eventually she fell asleep. As did I. So Monday morning, I got some news. It turns out that the drunk bastard uncle was found crashed into a tree in the ****ing cemetery. He didn't die (damn it) but he had to get treated for trauma/whiplash whatever doctors invent to get your money. The aunt was OK, but needed stitches and things, but would also survive. The officer told me about the rules, and said that they have evidence that the house is not a good place to raise a child, and that she would be sent to the next of kin or a foster home. I mentioned that if she was sent someplace, if I could adopt her. He said, like always, that it wasn't his business. I asked what she was going to do now, and he said that for the time being, I'm the safest and most efficient place for her to be. He said "Make sure she goes to school and brushes her teeth, and you should be fine" That's right, School. Well, she was fully capable of going to school now, it's just that I'm not sure if it would be better to start her off after Christmas or right now, or what. I talked to her about it, and she didn't really mind going, it's just that she hadn't gone in so long.

So that's still undecided. We spent the day walking/jogging around the neighborhood. I also bought her some new clothes. So, that's what's going on with me, /b/. I know it will get saged by a bunch of newfags who don't appreciate what I'm doing for /b/. But hopefully I'll pick a time to post this where several of my 'fans' are on. And by fans I mean people who don't sage because they are dumb nigger kids who can't read. And for all of them tl;dr: **** you, read it yourself

Hey /b/. They still have not taken her, and today something special happened. When I went out to the shopping stores to buy her some new clothes, she said "I love you, Bry." (Bry = Brian) I looked to her and said. "I love you too, Julie. You know that." Then she hit me with a brick: "No, I mean I love you love you." I just had to start laughing. She seemed disappointed "I'm not laughing at you, it's just that that whole idea is funny. I mean, I'm way older than you. I won't even discuss it." So, we dropped it. Until we got home. "About what I said before. I mean it. I never felt this way before." "Of course you haven't, you're only 9 years old, Julie." I was unpacking her new coat and shoes. "But, that doesn't mean I cant be in love." She was eating some cookies and drinking milk while I did all the unpacking. Lazy girl. "Heh, I know what you're saying. But it's not like that. I've been so nice to you, you think you're IN LOVE with me. But, be reasonable here." "I guess. Do you think I was worth it?" I paused and looked at her. "I mean, you didn't have to do this. You could have left me on the street that day." I went over to her and patted her head. "You know, without you, my life wouldn't be half as enjoyable. Of course you are. I'm so glad that I was out there that day, you know." She cheered up a lot when I said that. Then I just had to pull out some sneaky tickles on her, and she laughed and laughed. So everything was still OK. I knew she would approach me like that sooner or later, it was a bit sooner than I expected.

But anyway, I didn't care. Right now I have some music playing, I'm watching some TV on my computer, and she's eating some fried chicken. Nope, she's not black either.

So guys, that's it. And note that I don't intend on turning /b/ into some faggy blog, I'll only tell you about important stuff after this. Seeing as I know it's imminent that I get to keep her and everything, things will gradually get less and less exciting. So, did I do the right thing? I think I did. but after all this is /b/, you're going to say I should have poopered her. tl;dr: Learn to read, faggots.

Hello /b/, it is me again.

Just wanted to fill you guys in on everything: From the looks of it, she'll never leave me. Nobody has called after the first time, nobody stopped by, nothing. But I can't complain. I've enjoyed having her around and I know she enjoys all the things I'm doing for her. I took her out to buy some new clothes, and she really liked shopping for them. And about what happened the other day, when she said she was in love with me. It's the classic case of a girl who was mistreated before, and treated well by a guy, and so naturally her response is to love that guy. Watch Leon, you'll see. And no, I don't drink nothing but milk, and I'm not a cleaner. It's also interesting to note that she has taken an interest in jumping on my computer when I'm away. She never does anything, but I showed her where the music and pictures were. I guess I'll have to teach her how to use a computer now. But there's nothing wrong with teaching them things early, in fact it's better. Especially in a situation like hers where she's more likely to listen to me than anyone else. So anyway, I just wanted to give you guys an idea of what it's like here. In b4 faggots telling me to go to a blog site. tl;dr: learn to read.

Hey /b/. I know you all hate me, because I'm doing you all a favor by sharing my story with you all, and I'm sure you'll all want another Slowpoke combo thread, or a "rate my cawk" thread, or a nice WHEN I WAS. . . But I haven't told you about anything recently, so I might as well make a short update for those of you that care. Juliette has been sick lately. I mean, really sick. I took her into the doctors office, and he just gave us some antibiotics and recommended sleep. I could have told her to sleep. . . It's about 45 degrees right now, and my heater isn't working. I had to get out an old space heater, only to have it start smoking. I knew it did that, but Julie insisted I took it away from her ASAP. So It's pretty cold in my house right now, and that isn't a good thing when you're running a fever. So all of last week and over the weekend we didn't do anything fun, we didn't go out or anything but rather just stayed in inside to fight back the sickness. I'm starting to get worried, I may take her to a hospital to see if she has some kind of illness that's more than just a simple flu. So after this thread gets saged to death by assholes, I'm going to go to sleep with her. I don't mind if I get sick, just as long as she feels safe and comfortable.

Hey it's Romeo-san, back from the dead like the great phoenix. Changes at 4chan? That's pretty irrelevant, but it's been a long time since I've been here. Anyway, Juliette has come over her illness and is the happy girl she once was. I've met a woman whom I'm quite smitten with. I met her in the waiting room of the clinic (on our last visit) when she asked me "is this your daughter?" I didn't know what to tell her, so I just explained it all. She thought it was sweet what I was doing, and we started talking.

Since then, we've gone out to eat and I had her over at my place. No secks yet fellas, but I've got a feeling that I'm in love. That's pretty good, since if we get together there is a better chance that I'm keeping Juliette for ever. So anyway /b/, if anyone cares, I'm still alive. And if you don't care, you can go back to your fake CP threads and the furry bullshit soon, I doubt this thread will go long un-saged. Also, someone IMed me saying that a bunch of people drew Juliette for me. Is this so?

Hello Wikichan, I'm black yall, I'm blacker than black yall, and I'm black yall and I'm black yall, I'm black and I'm back. I've received lots of IM's and Emails saying that I shouldn't quit writing updates, most of which were quite convincing. So I've decided to come back, at least to Wikichan for now. The maybe 4 people on /b/ who like me live in different time zones, and my threads are usually missed by people who care. So anyway, I have a couple big events to update about: Christmas and New Years First of all, Christmas:

Two days before Christmas, me and Julie went out to get a tree. Since I waited so long to even think about getting a tree, there were barely any places in town where I could get one. Me and her decided to call it quits and return home. But then on the way home, she yelled "Look! There's a bunch of trees!", pointing at a roadside stand that had a couple trees left. We pulled up, and I started chatting with the owner of the place while Julie looked for a nice tree. The guy was the biggest Christian I've ever met. Every two words were either "the good lord" or "Jesus" and long strings of words such as "The good lord helped get us these glorious trees!" and such. Juliette was taking her sweet time picking out a tree she liked, and I just wanted to get out of there as this guy was prying into my personal life. "So what church do you attend, sir?" he asked. "I... uhh, whoa look at that Spyder!" I responded, pointing to a Chevrolet SS. "That car sure does look nice. The guy takes good care of it." I said, keeping the subject off religion as much as I could. I only did this because I didn't want to offend the guy and make him refuse to sell us a tree, since he was the last guy in the whole state of Pennsylvania who was selling Christmas Trees. I am a strong Atheist, and I hate it when people like this guy assume everyone is as Christian as Christ. If this guy starts preaching to me, I swear to god th- OOPS CAN'T SAY THAT LOL.

Anyway, Julie finally called out to me that she found a pretty tree, and I just payed for it and left. While I loaded it up on top of my car, I tossed the rope over the top of it to Julie to feed back to me. It hit her right in the face. Do'h! And as me and this little girl struggled to tie a tree to a tiny cat in the freezing wind, this asshole sat in his little tent with a cup of coffee and a space heater. So we finally managed to tie it on, and as we got in the car to leave, the guy came over and said "The lord bless you two on this wonderful Christmas holiday! I'll keep you in my prayers!" with a goody goody face. "Yeah? Well, actually I've never been fond of magic and parlor tricks." I said. I know, I'm no good at coming up with snappy one-liners... ... it made Julie laugh.

So after that, everything went pretty well. Christmas finally came around, and my brother came in from Boston. He didn't know about Juliette until this point. When he showed up at my doorstep with a bottle of champagne and a giftbox: "So uh... who's this little lady?" he asked in a tone that made me laugh. "Her name's Juliette, I kidnapped her." I said, taking the bottle of champagne and walking back into the house. He just stood there, with a look of "ok... wait wut?" on his face. The two met, and he was still a bit freaked over the fact that I had a 'daughter' around. But enough of this, it was time to open gifts. Juliette made me a clay model of my house with two vaguely human shaped blobs out front, one taller than the other. She was proud. In return, I got her a new dress (ultra kawaii desu ne) a new coat (a long, green duster type thing) and a few new books. She was overjoyed. My brother Peter got me "the gold box" that included: The Orange Box, a new hard drive, and a packet of mints. Thank you, Peter. he also brought a card from my sister Clarice. Overall it was a normal, nothing special Christmas. Juliette helped make dinner, and I burnt the rolls ;_;

Now, more currently, Something weird did happen two days after Christmas: Me and Julie went out to do some shopping, and she wore her new dress (super kawaii desu ne~) with ribbons in her hair (uber moe kawaii~~). While we were looking around at some shops, I began to notice some nigra was following us around. He wasn't being very subtle either, walking behind us in plain sight, and whenever we went into a shop he would wait outside at the door. He looked like he was a crack addict, and I began to fear he was going to try to snatch Julie when we left the shops. So I instructed her to keep walking after a bit, as I turned around to confront the guy. As soon as I turned around, he stopped and ran off. Pussy? I think yes. I'm not even tough looking at all. But anyway, I became the big hero of the day, and Julie remains unsnatched.

For New Years eve, me and Julie pretty much did our usual routine, except we watched the ball drop (or slowly lower, either one) at midnight. Shortly before, I explained the whole "kissing at midnight" deal to her. She jokingly referred to it as the "pervert tradition", to that I said "Like it's worse than mistletoe?". And if you're all wondering, yes, she did kiss me at midnight. Then after that, we went back to watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. Speaking of that, she's actually quite a little fan of that show. I can't say I'm not either. I think I'm going to bring her up as a living version of Konata. Anyway, animu aside, things are going pretty well. I've made it a point to get in contact with some kind of authority some time next week. Let's hope it all goes well. But since this all began, it's just been a free ride of fun and unoficiallity. But my chances are pretty good: I've got a good job, a clean criminal record, a nice house in a great neighborhood, a bit of money, and all of her family ties have been severed. I'm the only one she wants to be with. Uh... actually, she'd live with Jake too... but that's irrelevant. So Jake, if you're reading this, I have made my homage to you. I took the image down due to some personal reasons.

Hello everyone, Romeo-san here. Well, I finally got off my lazy ass and called CPS. I can't really say anything happened that I didn't expect, but it still does hurt a little. It all started when several of the people who IM me frequently said that I need to get in gear and make a call. I decided, well, they are right, so I'm going to do it this week. I told Juliette what was going on, and she seemed shocked that I would ever take the risk of losing her again. I told her that this had to happen, and we've had a free ride for long enough. I won't describe everything that happened in full detail, but I will fill you all in. I made the call when I got home from work, while Julie was still at my cousin's shop (where she stays while I'm at work). They pulled up some records, and found that they meant to check up on everything, but it got lost along with many other cases. They pretty much told me that nothing was wrong, but they were going to send in an agent to do an inspection of the place to make sure that I wasn't mistreating her. This was all fine, I bet my place is better than many of the agents' homes. Anyway, they also required her to go into some kind of psychoanalysis to make sure there was no abuse or anything 'naughty' going on.

This was all Friday, and they scheduled this all for today. She's currently being evaluated in their offices, and later today (around 3:00) she'll be done and they'll bring her back to my house, where they will evaluate my living conditions. If all goes well, they'll let me keep her for the trial period, where they will pop in for visits a couple times a week unannounced to see what it's like behind the doors. Then, if they like what they see, they can get the adoption sequence going. So things are going pretty damn good for me. I'll write more once I get her back to my place, and after the agent leaves (obviously). On a side note, the Aunt died a couple days ago, and the uncle is serving life for drug, weapon, and child abuse charges. So the window is wide open, and things look good. When told of their fate, Juliette responded by saying "Really? Awesome!" or something to that effect.

Hello everyone, high spirits for all. Juliette was brought back to my house a little while after the last thread. The agent that came with her was a big, black dude who seemed to find everything either terribly interesting or terribly funny. Juliette jumped out of the car and ran up to my front porch to give me a big hug. The agent came up and introduced himself as Jim. He actually wasn't a bad guy. But, as I expected, he was condescending and noteful about everything I said. I showed him around the house, and he was pretty impressed that I keep such a nice place. He then saw my leaky sink. The faucet on that sink has been bothering me for days, I tighten it, but it just gets leaky again. So now whenever the water is off, it sprays a mist into the air. This was one of his only complaints, other than the fact that she doesn't have a bed. Well, she does. And it's a nice futon. But apparently, children need triple queen sized canopy beds to survive. No matter, it will do. I also said that Bridget is moving in at the end of the month. This made him quite pleased.

He didn't really interview me much, and said that they save that for when I get my adoption interview. So, the future looks pretty good. I'm well on my way to adopting her. I'd like to thank everyone who IM'd me with support/information to help me along the way, and to everyone who didn't sage my threads for being too long. More to come soon.

Hi all. I write this early in the day, as something terrible and a bit disturbing happened. It all started when, this morning, my cousin wasn't at work, and it turns out he had a terrible cold, and couldn't work. So, no big deal, she'll be fine alone for a while, she's done it before. So I take her back home (and begin to run late for work) and provide her with any emergency numbers she could possibly not need. So things were going pretty well, I got to work a bit late, but nothing too bad. Then, I got a call at the front desk. It was Juliette. She was kind of frantic, saying (or yelling) that I needed to get home right away. She said (yelled) that there were ambulances and fire trucks outside, and that it was big trouble. So, naturally I didn't bother to go back to the office to get my coat and ran out the door, telling the secretary that I'd be back. When I got to the house, sure enough, there the whole ES of Pittsburgh was outside the house. I began thinking "oh holy Christ, I'm a ****up" while walking towards the scene. A paramedic held me back when I tried to get into the house, but I said I lived here and I needed to get to my daughter. So after some more ruckus, it was revealed that my neighbor had died of a heart attack. I was still a bit shaken up from the whole "little girl left alone at home screaming for me to come home" deal, but after a while what happened began to sink in. Juliette was freaking the **** out, that's for sure. I don't think she blinked or opened her mouth for about an hour after that...

Anyway, my good friend Peter died. He was a nice guy, actually. And the only reason I didn't let him watch Julie is that he was 56 years old. Apparently, the meals on wheels lady came up to the house as usual and after knocking for five minutes, she barged in to find him lying in the living room. It's a shame, he was the kind of wily old dude that everyone adores. So anyway... I went back in to work and everyone was waiting for me, eyes wide open and ready for bad news. They all knew that it was Julie who called me. They were all worried that something bad had happened, since because of my whole situation I'm the big popular guy on my floor. I guess she called the company front desk for some reason, and she secretary said that she yelled "WHERE IS BRIAN!? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY I NEED TO TALK TO BRY RIGHT NOW!" I told everyone that it was just a misunderstanding, but I still needed to leave work for the day. I actually didn't need to, but I liked the feeling of being home during the day, so here I am.

I'm reading her Les Miserables (full and unabridged) and she's getting pretty into it. I skipped most of it to get to the good part: Cosette. When I think about it, Julie is Cosette, and I am Jean. Although I'm not 55 years old, and I've never been to prison. Her French lessons are coming along well, by the way.

Hey Wikichan. Pretty fun today, regardless of some bad news, more on that later. Peter's funeral was today. I think that it's a bit sudden, and I think it has something to do with his family moving away this week or something. Either way, Julie and I attended her first funeral. To be honest, I was fully expecting some sort of crazy happenings, so it's no surprise that a minor little thing happened. Now, I knew peter like an uncle. I knew that he was a rock solid atheist bastard who got a boner from Darwin. But as soon as I walked up to the steps(!) of the church it was being held at, a pastor started preaching to me before I even walked in the door. He said something like "Lord bless us on this tragic day, and the same to you, little lady!" and tried to reach down and pat Julie's shoulder. I sort of pushed his hand away from her, and gave him a look like 'gtfo n00b' and walked in. There weren't that many people there, just his family and most of my neighborhood. Here's what I had with me: My eulogy, a pamphlet they gave our stating "finding god is easy when you've got nowhere else to go", and a CD I made with one song on it. What song? I'll give you some hints; it was written by a 14 year old. Give up? None other than Suicide Is Painless. Or as some of you know it as, the theme song to MASH. I knew how much Peter loved that show (being a Korea veteran and all) I was going to play it. I figured it would bring everyone to tears. Anyway, we got our seats and I unpacked all of my things. Julie was already fidgeting in her hard wooden seat. Now, many of you may be thinking I'm some ignorant atheist scumbag, but to be honest I don't mind religion. I just hate it when it gets shoved down everyone's throats. And this particular occasion saw much of this. Peter never bought into the whole Christianity thing, and he actually hated it. It kind of made my stomach churn to see all of these Christian themes in a funeral of an Atheist. And if you want to know, I'm going to raise Julie to be whatever she wants. She doesn't even know of my views on religion, so hopefully she'll grow into a free-minded individual and not a sheep. I digress.

It was over an hour later when the actual funeral started. I had read my "finding god is easy when you've got nowhere else to go" pamphlet several times now, as well as procured a strong hatred to Suicide Is Painless having listened to it almost five trillion times. The seats still didn't fill up much, and I could only recognize about ten people. Most of his 'beloved family' were chattering on their cell phones and to each other, and that pissed me right off. Peter wasn't a saint, but he didn't deserve to be ignored like this. A church organ started playing to single all of us to shut up, and everyone did... except for his nieces/nephews with their cell phones. I'll spare you all the ho-hum and proceedings and jump right into my eulogy. I was one out of maybe three people to actually deliver one (the other two were his daughter and one of the neighbors). When I got up to go to the podium, Julie (loudly) said "GOOD LUCK BRY DON'T PEE YOUR PANTS UP THERE". I figured this much, and it was hard to contain my laughter. I manged to get up there without peeing my pants, and I signaled to Julie to behave. I started off simple, and then began to say that Peter wouldn't have wanted all of this religion intruding into his afterlife, but quickly went on to avoid any nasty eyes. I had the CD in the tape player ready to play, with my hand on the remote to control it. I wanted to end mine (the last one) special, so as soon as I said the closing words, I would press play and start the song playing. Things went pretty well, and the opening started. I looked out across all of the mildly sad faces, to see that the song had NO EFFECT ON ANYONE. NOBODY even blinked! It was if they did not pick up on the horrible sadness that should spill upon them! It did kind of bring me to tears, and Julie saw this and started crying as well. But I think we were the only two people in the whole church who gave a shit about Peter. I silently walked back to my seat after the song finished, ashamed and angry.

Then came the open casket ceremony. Oh boy, another chance for Julie to mess it all up. I asked her "Would you like to wait here, or go see him?" "Who?" she asked "Peter.." "DIDN'T HE DIE OF A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING?" (facepalm.jpg) She decided to come along, and she took a big, long look at him. I had to shove her forward to keep the line moving. I left a carnation at the casket.

Everything pretty much went on normally from there. I left the funeral pretty angry, and on the way home Julie had to take the blunt of my anger. "What are these peoples' problems?! This man served in Korea, and nobody even cares about him!? You met him, he was a nice guy, wasn't he?" "Hmm...? Oh, sure..." She said.

I was silent the rest of the ride.

I'd also like to take this time to mention that a dear friend of mine (Julie's 'uncle') has found out that his mother has cancer spreading through her body. I'd just like to say that he and her are in my thoughts as I write this, and I hope that many of you readers can keep them in your thoughts/prayers. Thank you.

Good evening, reader your honor! Wikichan will plainly show the prisoner, who now stands before you, was caught red handed showing feelings! Showing feelings of an almost human nature... This will not do. CALL THE CPS! I make such light of such serious subjects. Lots of things have been happening. Erika bashing in her head, my friend and his mom's cancer, Peter dying, his loving daughter chewing me out for 'causing a scene', and 'Jim' trying his hardest to find fault. They made a visit to my place while I was at work. Luckily, I took Julie to my cousin's shop, or CPS would have a hissy about me leaving her home. He left a note on the door for me to give him a call, so I did. He said that he would be over in "ezahctla teh minus" to take a peek inside. He also said that it was a good thing that I had a job.. hah.

When he finally arrived, he brought with him some chick who I assumed to be a girl counselor or psychologist. She introduced herself (or rather Jim introduced her) as Carol. I had Cat Stevens playing inside, and Julie was listening to it and eating some dinner. The moment Carol walked in, she recognized this as "hippy muisc". Oh laaawwdd, she seemed like a bitch. Jim seemed to like it, though. "Thah guy has ah pretteh vouice". Anyway, I turned the music off so we could have a chat. Carol said that she was here to make sure that nothing was happening to Julie while she was in my care, and Jim came by default, being the agent assigned to her case. Carol asked if she could talk to Julie in private, or rather she demanded so. The way she came off, it seemed like it was her life's goal to make the process as difficult and sad for everyone involved. She took Julie by the hand, and nearly dragged her into the kitchen. Me and 'Jim' got to talking, and he said that I had very good chance of adoption, but I would have to get her a proper bed. I tried reasoning with him that she's happy on her futon, but nogo. So I need to go out and buy her a queen sized bed. Hah.

He interviewed me some more, asking the normal stuff. Do you drink? Do you smoke? Have you ever taken any illegal substances? Do you posses pornography? The last one was a bit of a shocker. I managed to answer truthfully 'no'. When asked if it really mattered, he said that he has seen a lot of times where a girl is getting adopted and the father owns pornography in physical form, she gets ahold of it, and the Electra sets in. That reminds me, Julie is showing more and more a bad case of Electra Complex. She's too smart to tell CPS that she has feelings for me, but I can tell that she's got something in her mind. I don't blame her, and these feelings are all normal since 1: I'm not her real father 2: I rescued her from a living hell 3: I've been so good to her 4: I'm the only person she's around most of the time (excepting my cousin). If you were a confused girl, and all this happened to you, you would feel the same way. Something has to be done, however, as I don't plan on perusing a v& just to make her happy. I'm sure that once she gets into the outside world, she'll change her mind about me being 'the only guy for her' and meet other boys her age. Ahh, young love in the Season in the Sun.

Back to the meeting. Things went on for about an hour, then the agents got their things and started to leave. Carol showed me the results of Julie's shake-down... interview and it said what I had known already. I noticed that Julie was crying a little, so I made sure to get them out the door in a hurry to see what was wrong. Once I managed to get some time alone with her, I perused it. I asked her what was wrong, and why she was upset. She sniffled and told me "The lady asked me if you ever hit or touched me..." "Well I never did, so what's the matter?" I asked, patting her head. "Well, she asked me about my bad uncle... and she made me talk about the things he did." With that, she actually started crying.

I gave her a hug and told her to forget all about those times. You see, these agents do not care about the child. They don't care if they make the child reenact what abuse came onto them, they don't care if they make them describe it in full detail. Even if it makes a little girl cry. This would be the first time she's had to remember these times for a while. And there are many things that happened that you all are not aware of. I'm not really comfortable disclosing this here, and I doubt it was any easier for her to keep a cheerful disposition when that bitch Carol was grilling her like that. That's the update for today, I'm off.

And also, I still have my friend in my thoughts, and I hope that you, you total strangers, can find it in your hearts to keep him and her in your thoughts.

In lighter news, I've also found out that another one of my AIM friends has been inspired by my story and has taken up full responsibility of his niece. It makes me feel good that he's been so turned on by my story that he has someone to love now. But if he wants you all to know of his life, let him post.

Goodnight.

Hello, hello, hello! Friday was a wonderful day, indeed! The reading of Peter's will has been pushed back to this afternoon. He said that he left me something nice, so I can't wait to find out what it is. Bridget (nor a tarp) moved all of her stuff into my house Friday. And as a bonus, she was nice enough to come with it. Now, so far Julie hasn't tried to rip Bridget's eyes out, but so far they've only been together for a little while. They've spent longer periods of time together than this, and I'm going to have to see how things turn out in the days to come. Let's all hope/pray that Julie doesn't go batshit insane on us.

Bridget brought a mattress, and this will get turned into Julie's new bed. Along with it, she brought her PC, and a laptop. So pretty much I'm swimming in joy right now. Julie can't put down the laptop, and we're thinking of putting her PC in the basement. It's not a very big basement, but there sure as hell isn't anything in there. So now I've gotten my life's goal: a family. I'm so happy I can hardly count. We all stayed up pretty late last night (it being a good Friday and all) so I'm the only one awake. We slept in the same bed together, all cuddled up and warm. I looked into the bedroom a couple minutes ago, and Julie is all snuggled up to Bridget, and vice versa. I've got a feeling everything is gonna be OK.

Making a short update now, because there probably will be another one later today.

Hello again, idiots and morons. I left you all wondering what I would receive in Peter's will. And now I'm here to tell of the reading. I left Julie with Bridget while I went to the reading. His daughter, her husband and their kids showed up. Along with the meals on wheels lady who found him dead and I guess one of his buddies from Korea. I felt a bit out of place here, not knowing anyone here, and also being the only one who cared. Actually, his buddy cared a lot about him. He had all the standard POW*MIA attire on. While we waited for the thing to get underway, me and him talked for a while. The guy actually was pretty cool. He had even more stories than Peter did.

I'll spare you all the story, but he was in Peter's outfit. They served in the same basic camp in Virginia, and shipped out together. They had their run of trials, and formed a big friendship. It turns out that he moved to Virginia after the war, and heard about Peter dying, so he bought a train ticket to get up here ASAP. He wasn't at the funeral for obvious reasons, but if he got here before he would have attended. As he told me more, one of the kids there asked him if he ever shot someone. Ugh...

Eventually, a lawyer came in to start the whole thing. I'll save what I was cut to the end, but his Korea buddy got all of his old army memorabilia. The daughter received the estate (that was entitled to her anyway) and his prized hunting rifle to pass onto her kids. He requested that all the furniture remain in the family, so they got that too. What did I get out of all this? I'll tell you. Peter's most emotionally charged items: the whole series of MASH on DVD. That was it. Obviously it wasn't what I expected, but I started crying. There were some other things there, but I'll spare you all.

So I got home, carrying all the episodes of MASH on DVD, with moist eyes. Needless to say, we're all watching MASH on DVD tonight.

Well hell everyone. You remember that kid, the little girl... J.. Julie, Julie is her name. Well, her last name has changed Sunday. Her name is now Juliette K. Fretton. And if you dumbasses don't understand, I have adopted her fully and 100%. I'll spare all the boring details and say that they summoned Julie, Bridget and I to the office to get our last interviews and have our case tried. Once again, they made sure Julie was happy where she was, and did a background check on Bridget. We were brought forward to the big-man adoption judge and we were deemed "appropriate parents for the minor in question" and badda-bing badda-boom she's ours. My sister just flew in from Stockholm (boy are her arms tired) and she brought Jake (nephew), and dragged Pete (brother not the dead guy) over to have a little fiesta.

When everyone arrived, Julie was very shy. Almost so shy as to make your mind explode due to an overload of cuteness. Jake brought Gaytar Queero and his ****ing Wii over. Little did he know I had a Wii already, along with four Wiimotes. "Oh sweet you got a freakin' Wii!" I let Bridget and Julie talk to everyone for awhile as I did some work on my computer, and talked to some AIM buddies at the same time. Julie eventually came running into my computer area, and hugged me saying that she didn't like all the strangers (AwwWWWww). Soon, however, Bridget dragged us out from our sneaky hole of computer mayhem and hang out with my lame family. I'll introduce you all: My sister - Valarie: She is a sort of globe trekker, having never been in the same country for more than a month. My brother - Pete: He's a pretty cool guy. eh has old wine and doesnt afraid of anything. My nephew - Jake (or Jordan wtf): A typical teenager who plays Guitar Hero and is probably some sort of Internet junkie (YTMND, ED, SA, or 4ch0n).

So anyway, my sister took to Julie like they were a long lost daughter/mother pair. Pete was apathetic of her, and Jake seemed to obsess himself over her. I mean, any time he got a chance he was right next to her. When she was sitting on the couch, he even came up and sat right next to her, and put his damn arm around her. He's 16 years old, and I don't see much of a problem about it, but for some reason it just made me a little flustered. Anyway, I was sure there would be no raep in my house.

He also forced everyone to play Guitar Hero with him. It's like he didn't get the message that nobody gave a shit but him, and he somehow neglected to understand that we were all adults. Well, Julie was far from being an adult, but she still didn't give a shit. He made her play him, and if he didn't make it the hardest ****ing Dragonfarce song in the game, she would have beaten his ass. Being a man who can play a real guitar, I had some problems holding a two foot plastic guitar that weighs as much as my keyboard. So back to the main story, we had a little family reunion. My parents were down in goddamn Florida, but otherwise they'd have visited as well. They've seen a couple photos of me and her, and are dying to meet her. We just visited for the night, Bridget made up a big platter of stuff for us to eat, and I held a toast. It went something like this.

fixes a sandwich, then holds it up*

"I'd like to propose a toast to my new daughter Julie, and to John Montagu, because without him, none of this would have happened!"

They stayed the night, and are still here, supposedly leaving later tonight. Things are going good here, and I'm happy to say that I've finally formed a family. It may be made up of an adopted daughter and a girlfriend, but it's a family no less. And for those who are keeping tabs, I've begun to read her Marius.

Hey everyone. Well, I've got some good news. Neighbors have moved into the house next door. Neighbors from China. Actually, they came here from Baltimore, but originally they are from China. I met and talked to them when Julie and I went out for a jog this morning. The dad works down at the water company, and the mom is some kind of cosmetic surgeon. They have at least one son aged 19-21 and in College. Also, they have two young girls, one who looks younger than Julie and one who is right around her age. But I'm not sure if there are any others. They seem like good people, and I'm glad that there are some friends for Julie, especially this close.

I can't wait until I host loli sleepovers. Julie can have fun in her own house, while I get to sit back and bask in my blissful chair of pure joy and fatherhood.
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PostSubject: Re: Rambling cluster of retarded stories thread   Sat Jun 18, 2011 12:13 pm

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